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☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
17 May 2012 @ 06:18 pm
Dear Journal,

did you miss me? It has been more than a year now that I am writing here. Crazy how fast time went by. But just let you know, that I have not forgotten you. ^.^
Actually someone hast commented on one of my old translations... and this remembered me that I used to spend so much time here!

While you are still here waiting, my life has went on.
I think it would be funny if I would start reading the old posts here.

I stopped drawing and playing piano. That is very sad as I don't have time for these anymore. University life have been busy in the last five years. However they will stay as my hoppy and I have not given up the hope, however, that someday I will start doing these things again.

I stopped cosplaying and going on conventions. Well this is directly related that I have stopped being a fan. But I would love to visit a convention again... and to see what kind of people there are now, what kind of cosplays they are wearing, what kind of anime and mangas are popular right now.

I started watching Japanese variety shows. Btw. I understand them very well :) They just so great! The producers have so many different ideas and put so much effort into every little details. I also learn a lot from them. Not only Japanese but general knowledge. I have the feeling that the more I watch the smarter I get. The opposite is with German and US TV. I wish they would be half as interesting.

I started cooking a lot. Since I started visiting my boyfriend in Fukuoka. I stay at home a lot. That is when I become a housewife. I clean the house, go shopping and try out different receipes. It is much more fun than I thought. The best feeling is when he comes home hungry and eat my dishes deliciously. Then I think that I have succeed in something. That is the best praise I could get.

I started thinking seriously thinking about what life I really want to live. I believe I used to go with the flow and do what others think could be the best. Actually I am still a little bit like this now. But I really start to question whether that the main stream thinks is the best for me. I start to imagine to do something in the future what really could really makes me happy. This includes a fullfilling career but also marriage, having babies and build a home for my family. I want to become a successful woman. This include both. Actually I don't need to earn so much money but just be happy with what I do. I am satisfied if we don't have financial worries and could grand ourselves a little treat from time to time. But it does not need to be a lot. I just want my family and I to live a happy life. That sounds easy but maybe the biggest challenge one could image... but I will give my best to achieve this! ^.^

Ok... this entry ends up being longer than I thought. I hope you got an idea how I am doing right now and how I have changed.. or not changed. I will come to visit you from time to time and write something.... I guess I can't just leave you behind as I left so much beautiful memories to you. Please treasure them savely. I trust them to you!

Your Han
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
25 February 2011 @ 10:38 pm
What's up with all these random advertisings that are constantly popping up now as comments in my entry? They are really getting on my nerves...

Sorry to start off with a sentence like that.

Today I just had an interview with a big international investment bank in London. The interviews went ok, except that the last one was bad, as the interviewer asked me math questions and I could not solve it that fast. Also the nummerical test at the beginning was very hard, I felt that I did not do very well on that. I just hope that I will pass it. I get the feedback on monday or tuesday next week... no matter whether they offer me the job or not. I have a bit mixed feeling about that. But right now I am just really tired...

Next friday I am off to London again, for another interview. This time at a global leading finance information provider. And I have the luck to be interviewed within the Japanese team. I am very fortunate. Out of all the language I speak, they picked Japanese. So if I succeed I will be able to work in Japanese, with Japanese customers. And on the other side, I will learn about Finance. This will open the Japan door for me, I know it. However first, I need to survive the interview. So starting from tomorrow I will be studying again...

But I finally feel that I am materilizing things in my life. That I finally have real goals I want to achieve. It's getting very very hard and very very busy. I have not really enjoyed my stay here at Paris, neither am I doing any sports or started studying for school (the last one is pretty bad...). However, I believe that this time, something will turn out, and I will be finally be able to look back and smile when the hardship has born fruits.

Wish me luck!...
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
23 January 2011 @ 09:08 am
It is weird to write in this journal after such a long time. But I still have not given up this journal.
I am back to Europe again, after a wonderful month in Tokyo, spending it together with my boyfriend. This time it's Paris and I still need some time to get used to this vibrant city. Yesterday I fell a little bit ill, maybe because of all the stress the days before... but today I am feeling better now.
When I came back, I really had a hard time. Just because leaving him and Japan was just so hard. It was such a wonderful time there, that makes me feel forgetting who I am and where I come from. When I arrive to Japan, I only need 1 or 2 days to totally fall into the normal Japanese life.. but everytime when I am back in Europe, it takes so much longer. This makes me feel to know where I really belong to.

Today I will try to study a little bit. Even though I do not feel like it. But this semester in Paris, I will absollutely give my best to find a good internship that can finally improve my CV. And then I can proudly return to Japan and feel great again. I really hope this day is going to come.

It is so weird to read some of old entries here. I just one 5 years ago. Back then I was still in High School, so innocent and completely absessed with NEWS and Johnny's. It is really funny how a person can change... I think I have finally grown up a bit. And my heart will not be able to beat for another person than him.

A week ago, my boyfriend and I just dated for 18 months. That is quite a long time. But putting together how many days we were actually together, I think that does not even add up to 4 months... Still even though it was a short time, I feel like we have known eachother for a long time. That God made me to meet him again. Our hearts are so close to each other... but our body so far away. That is really an interesting feeling. But not a great feeling, I can tell you. But I feel I need to accomplish my mission here, and then I will be able to return to Japan again. Until then I need to be patient and bear with the heardaches and the tears. I remember written on this journal on the first day I really met him and writing that I fell in love with someone. That must be actually destiny... so if this is destiny, then we both will be able to overcome even bigger hardship. At the end we will both laugh. I know it...

So if someone happens to be in the same situation... I can tell you, this is definetely very hard. But do not give up, because there will be the day when you both are united. You just need to believe in this and strive for it.
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
17 September 2010 @ 11:21 pm
I know that my journal has died out and I suppose that I have actually officially stopped writing in here. But sometimes I still feel like write one or two sentences, maybe just for myself.

Right now I am in London, and have started my graduated school. I am only staying here for one semester, starting next year January I will go to Paris for another year. I really do not regret to have decided for this school. I think I have finally found the right place to be, the right people to talk and the right path to go. Even though not everything has worked out perfectly, in contrast, a lot of things went wrong. But I think i am still fortunate, I am fortunate because of lot of things. Not that I have started a new and excited stage in my life, but also because I am loved and taken cared by a lot of people.

The last four months I have spent in Japan were just wonderful. I had a very great internship and did a very good job on my bachelor thesis (even though I was desperate during most of the time...). But the most important thing is that I finally found my way to him. And he also to me. In the past one year I have always thought it was only me who has been thinking about him and loving him. And perhaps it was even true. He told me he was very uncertain at that time, that he was not sure about our relationship. But this time, every uncertainty could be unsettled. But I did not give in, I just could not. Like I always do. And I made it.

Now, none of use two can keep going on without the other person. So close have we became to. It is just like a miracle, sparkling, glittering, lasting forever. I thought I was happy, but I did not know that I can become even more happier. Now I know. I thought I was in love, but I did not know that I can even love even more. Now I know. I though I missed him, but I did not know that I can share so much tears for him. Now I know. I think we both know now.

I just hope that we can continue going our way, and finally found our joing way, that we will work together, forever from now.
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
23 May 2010 @ 12:26 am
I am seriously a little bit tired from him...
he is behaving like a little boy. I am sorry, but a really stupid boy! I mean we were just eating the best food from the whole wide world and he only drank two glasses of beer (and a little bit of my plum wine)... and everything was just fine. And what happened 10 min after our dinner? he began to complain about headache. And when we went on our way home, it seems that it got stronger and stronger... I suddenly began to worry... and started to calm his back. It almost look like we could not make back home.
And when we went back home, he could not even change to his pajama and already fell down on his bed and started to breath heavily. I was so scared... I gave him some pain killer.. he could not even eat it. After having finally get down the pill, I put a ice towel on his head... but the his heavy breath continued and continued... I just did not what to do. Finally after whole 20 min of frightening scenes (where I almost cried), he started to breath a little bit normal.. and began to fall asleep. Later on I gave him a glass of water and forced him to drink it up after he want to stop after the half of it.

And now I am sitting here.. totally messed up with the nerves... seeing him lying on the bad, finally sleeping... I started to write this entry about my crazy two weeks here in Fukuoka.

Everything started about two months ago. When I finally got sure that I could make an internship and write my bachelor thesis in Japan at a company, I was so happy that at least during the summer months I was able to see him. I mean after almost 4-5 months of his absence, I was so longing for him, that I made up my mind to try my best to see him this summer. But then the horrible new came. He was transferred to Fukuoka from his company where he was about to start to work in April. When I got the news I was so shocked. I thought that everything might be just over... After having struggling so much for internship position to see him in Tokyo, is he seriously to live in Fukuoka, the most west town in Japan and 3 hours of flight from Tokyo? I was not believing it. After having thought a whole day I made up my mind to delay the start of my internship for a month, to be able to be with him in May. And I did it. As some kind of excuse I told my professor and my manager that I was about to first focus on the theoretical part of the paper and then start the work a little bit later to work on the practical part... to be honest... this is all a huge excuse. After all, I only wanted to be with him.

And two weeks ago here I was. Even knowing that as he is new in his company, he will be pretty busy with work.. and even though I will be here for a month, in reality we will really be with each other some hours in the night and perhaps during the weekends. After gotten known that especially at the beginning of June, he is having a really important accounting test from his company, he has to study a lot. So even the weekends seem to get hart... but I was ok with that. I can bear it. I am fine that I could see him.. that's the most important thing.

And really we had a great time. Even though almost every night I do not really know when he is always coming home, sometimes early, sometimes really late... I am always so happy when I could hear the keys ringing outside the door. During the days I prepare him breakfast, clean up the rooms, do the laundry, wash the dishes, iron his shirts, go shopping for dinner, and cook him dinner. And the hours left I am working on the bachelor thesis. To be honest... there is not much left of time for me to do this already. But I am happy for what I am doing. For the first time, I was going to know the happiness of a housewife... to do the work for the person she loves. And everything else becomes uninteresting. That is how I felt, because I love him more than anything else on this world... everything was worthy.

Last weekends we went the most famous jinja in Fukuoka. It was a very sunny day, we drank tea, prayed in the jinja, a walked around the beautiful place. In the night we went eating in the Yatai, a car like small restaurant on the side of the street where you can sit and eat. We ate the famous Tonkutsu ramen and motsu nabe (swine bone ramen and hot bowel pot... I know this sounds disgusting but it was really delicious). And in the night we at some sashimi at home and drank wine. Even though the day was so great, at the night I got a melancholic mood and start to ask him things he did not want to hear. At the end I ended up to cry very heavily... perhaps it was also because of the alcohol. But then I was ok again... and the night eventually end up peacefully. On the next day he studied the whole time. Around 3 pm, we went out and he brought be to the beaches of Fukuoka. It was absolutely beautiful. Also on this day the sun was shinning... we walked barefoot along the beaches, let the cold waves hit our feet, sit on a ship line and wait until the sun went down. I think it was one of the most romantic moment two hours I ever experienced in my whole life. During these moments I thought again that everything I do was for good...

Also this weekend supposed to be great too. Even though yesterday he could not spend the night with me, as he has to meet a friend of his dad and therefore came back really late. He drank so much that the first thing he did was to fall to sleep. I tried to calm him down a little bit. He is absolutely no drinker. His first time to drink was when he was 18 and entered university. Recalling my first time... 14 perhaps? I always warned him to take care with drinking. But he always replied me that this works this way in Japanese drinking tradition. That you are forced to. But I always wanted try to counter that no matter tradition or not... every normal person would understand if you say that you have already drunk enough for the day, and that you are a little bit weak drinker... or else this is no normal boss! And yesterday this was even a friend of his dad.. so no manager or someone that could give him pressure. When I asked him why he drank that much he said the same thing again...

But after seeing him today this way, I know that he was lying. HE JUST DOES NOT KNOW HIS LIMIT!!! So everything about that he forced himself to drink even though he does not want to is just such a stupid excuse... if he does not know his limit, he would first drink a lot, thinking he can bear it... and then later find out that it was to much. Just like today. Even though the day started so great. We went with boat to a small island on the sea of Fukuoka and visit a small aquarium there. The dolphin show was really funny and the hug shark aquarium is well. Before this we were also cycling a little big around cost. Even though it was going to rain on that day, we could still use the first hour to cycle and lie on the grass to enjoy the fresh air. When the aquarium closed it started to rain heavily. We went back to the apartment to get ready to eat in a near fish restaurant. I ate things that I have not dreamed for... a huge lobster, fresh sashimi, oysters, baked fish... so delicious and everything just according to my taste. Even though we paid about 100 Euro at the end, it was still worthy.... until that stupid thing happened.

I mean after I came I had some times of down turns.. whether during last saturday during drinking, or last tuesday in the night, or today. When I ask if everything I do was for the correct thing. If he know that I am really doing so much just to make him happy. Of course... I am making myself happy at the same time, because I want this. But sometimes I am hesitating about my own choice.. whether this is correct. Perhaps he still is not the right person for me. Maybe shall I just have up on this almost impossible relationship of 800km distance. I just do not know.

But what should I do... every time when I looked into his sleeping face.. or lying beside him... or take his hand, all sad, angry or doubtful thoughts are forgotten. Because I know I just I love him more than anything... so everything is worthy, does not matter what.
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
23 April 2010 @ 12:41 am
Oh dear...

I hope this is over soon. I so hope!! In two weeks I am free!! Almost free... I think I will never be free anymore in my life, but at least from the situation I am right now. Haha

I am imagining... what happened if I do not have him with me, I think I am going to die. Even though we are 1000 of kilometers apart from each other, our hearts have been ever so close to each other.

It is funny... people tend to rely on the other side so much more, once he or she feels lonely. That is how he is reacting recently... to sweet to be true. The bad thing is, this way I cannot concentrate on my study!!! Damned.. I really need to get going!! XD

Now I know why you should ever fall in love doing student time. I never wanted to believe that... but now I do...^^;;
Current Mood: lovedloved
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
19 March 2010 @ 07:15 pm
Right now I am facing the biggest turnpoint and the worst crisis ever in my life so far.

Even I know there might be worser and worser things later in life, but I think the situation I am right now in I have never experienced before.

I hope I will get through this crisis successfully... I will give my absolut best. I believe if I can do this, I will be able to do so much more in the future.

Even though I am in the worst crisis ever, I still think I have found something really precious: someone I could imagine to spend my life together with...
Current Mood: worrieddown
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
16 October 2009 @ 10:10 pm
What am I doing...

It's friday evening, and it's 1h50 min to my 22th birthday. And I am sitting here in the library and have to learn a 500 slides script of my hated subject, business informatics II.

I know I am pathatic... I remember that I spent my last year's birthday the same way. I even forgot it, after I realized, it was already 30 past. A really sad thing was... even my mom forgot it. (She appoligized after that through...)

But this year, she did not forget, she already called me today to say that he got a present for me. It's a new winter jacket. :) Also she promised to call tomorrow too. My brother will write me too. I love my family.

I wonder if my boyfriend is going to call me at 12. He promissed to call... but I think he will oversleep. And I wonder if any friend will gratulate me... even not, it's still ok. I got used to that. I am bad at remembering friend's birthday's too. I am sorry for that and appologize now for all the forgotten birthdays of them. I know how special it can be to hear a "Happy Birthday!". But they should know that I always think about them!

I am looking forwards to my new year of life. I hope this year is going to be special. I hope I will step into a new stage of life successfully. And I hope I will be able to look back after this year has passed that it was all good. Because I am able to say that right now too.
Current Mood: blankblank
☆☆a queen's backyard☆☆
18 September 2009 @ 09:58 pm

This is the picture I took of him during our little date in the park at my last week in Japan when we made a little firework party. I worked a little bit on this picture with photoshop. Isn't it beautiful?

But come back to subject.

Since two days I have been back to Vallendar.

the day being backCollapse )
Current Mood: numbnumb