☆☆ a queen's backyard ☆☆

kotorichan @ 2009-10-16T22:10:00

2009-10-16T20:23:18Z

What am I doing...

It's friday evening, and it's 1h50 min to my 22th birthday. And I am sitting here in the library and have to learn a 500 slides script of my hated subject, business informatics II.

I know I am pathatic... I remember that I spent my last year's birthday the same way. I even forgot it, after I realized, it was already 30 past. A really sad thing was... even my mom forgot it. (She appoligized after that through...)

But this year, she did not forget, she already called me today to say that he got a present for me. It's a new winter jacket. :) Also she promised to call tomorrow too. My brother will write me too. I love my family.

I wonder if my boyfriend is going to call me at 12. He promissed to call... but I think he will oversleep. And I wonder if any friend will gratulate me... even not, it's still ok. I got used to that. I am bad at remembering friend's birthday's too. I am sorry for that and appologize now for all the forgotten birthdays of them. I know how special it can be to hear a "Happy Birthday!". But they should know that I always think about them!

I am looking forwards to my new year of life. I hope this year is going to be special. I hope I will step into a new stage of life successfully. And I hope I will be able to look back after this year has passed that it was all good. Because I am able to say that right now too.

Back to Vallendar...

2009-09-18T20:25:31Z

This is the picture I took of him during our little date in the park at my last week in Japan when we made a little firework party. I worked a little bit on this picture with photoshop. Isn't it beautiful?

But come back to subject.

Since two days I have been back to Vallendar.

It was two wonderful weeks I have spent in Tokyo and I did not regret my decision to have shorten my internship period, given up on my old flight and bought a new ticket. Even though Junpei was bussy with his seminar preperation (which at the end it turned out that due to the swine influenca the workshop was canceled), dance competition and partime work, we could only meet for 2 or 3 hours a day, mostly during night time. But I have still had a great time, also with Hitomi, Shiori and all the other people.

I have been lazy of outting the pictures of these wonderful 4 months on livejournal, but I truely want to spend a day or two to do this. But not today... :)

When I returned back to Vallendar, everything was so empty and no one was there in the my old flat. I have never felt so alone before in my whole life. My best friend from my university is right now in Kanada and my mom did not came to my apartment like last year. I wrote him a long e-mail telling him that I arrived safely and that I miss him. And as I was too tired I felt a sleep. At night I was too tired to be too depressed, but in the morning when I woke up around 4 o'clock due to my jatlack, I could not bear the emptiness in my heart and started crying heavily. There is only one face I see in front of me the whole time... oh I miss him so much that my heart ached with every drop of my tears. After the burst out I felt a little bit better. I started cleaning up my luggage and closet. Around 6 o'clock in the morning I received my first e-mail from him telling me that he is now leaving for his flight to Seoul. It was just a short message encouraging me to give my best as I have finally returned to my normal life. I was a little bit disappointed about this short message. I therefore wrote him again that since we won't be talking for 10 days that he should write me something to encourage me to go on. And he wrote a beautiful message telling me that everything would be alright as we have us eachother in our hearts. After reading this message, I could not stop but crying again, this time more heavily. I picked up my mobile phone and called his number. He went on the phone. I could not hear him so clearly as the connectivity is really bad and he was also in the subway. It calmed me down to hear him but I did not know what to say... and started crying again. He heard me and told me now to cry. I agreed on that and told him that I will call again. After having hung up I cried even heavilier. Finally after around 10 min I calmed down and went on my daily rutine. Around 8 o'clock I called him again when he was waiting for his flight. I was in a much better mood then and just told him to take care in this journey.

After I went to school on that day I felt much better than. I started to remember the feeling of returning to the university and the 4 months in Tokyo full of friends, activity and love seemed to be so away and so long ago as if everything was a beautiful dream. I dream I will never ever forget...

The night life of Shanghai

2009-08-18T05:23:26Z

Another morning with nothing to do. I wonder if I am serious going to learn something in this internship. But yeah, at least I haven't been reading so many news articles, interviews and specialist reports for a long time. For a long time, I finally find myself back to knowing a little bit about what is happening in Germany and rest of the world. During the time back in Japan I have not done anything that sort, and kind of felt dumb when people suddenly asked me about current German political questions and I could not give any nice answers to them.

Surprisingly the afternoon was quite busy. Busier than I thought. I got two tasks to do which I did in around 2 and half hours. When my manager even doubted if I was able to find the document, I told him that I already finished it and hast sent it to him. He gave out a little surprised tone.. and just said something like, oh I was working with my laptop that is why I did not check my e-mail.

Last saturday night at around 11 pm me and my dad went out for a drink. Not 500 meters away from my house, he rolled down the window and started turning up the music, techno music!! And then he gave gas and ran with his black VW santaner along the empty night street, over the high way. I was looking at my father with somewhat stunned expression. I always thought my father was a lover of classic music, operas etc. Even though I know he loves being out late at night, but this way?! He looked at me and smiled, saying that he always likes to that when he is alone at night, driving. I dislike techno music. I only like it in the clubs for dancing. Even in that case I prefer house over techno music. But somehow when we rashed over the high way of Shanghai in the middle of night, with the heavy wind blasing right onto my face and the beat of the music wibrating under me, it felt somewhat magical. I started tapping my fingers on the window frame and enjoy the fresh night wind. At that moment I felt that my dad was really a cool guy, cooler than I ever thought. I mean, you could dream of racing through the night of city in a car with your boyfriend... but with your 50 years old dad? I started smiling into myself thinking about this weird situation.
Driving with my dad feels really relaxing and safe. He is a very good driver. He was certainly good back in Germany, but after he came to Shanghai and got used to the horrible driving behavior here, he got even better. He said to me that it is sad that this car isn't a cabrio and ask me when the day comes when I have enough money to buy him one. I laughed back at him and said yeah... someday I'll buy you one.

Having parked our car in a underground parking lot, we walked into one of the many knight life district of Shanghai. It was my first time I visit one of those places in Shanghai. The last times I came here I was always with my mom and we stayed with our grandparents. There has not been any possibilities for us to visit such places. She does not even know such places I guess. There are many of those places spread around Shanghai, places for people enjoying the city nights. That one small area calls 新天地, xin tian di. It was a inner walking area full of different bars in all kinds of styles: Jazz, Classic, Latino, loud, elegant, exotic... housed in classic old Chinese houses. Many couples wearing beautiful, sexy or elegant dresses walked by or sit talking next to the tables. Around 60% of the people are foreigners. You can sense that this a kind of place that normal salaried Chinese people cannot effort to come, at least come often. We walked a round through that place and I felt like going back to Europe, a kind of famililar and warm feeling filled me. Compare to those people I was dressed really badly, not even wearing any make-up. The girls, accompaigned the rich men with their short, elegant dresses showing off 80% of their skin enjoyed being watched by others. It was a perspective of Shanghai I have only seen rarely, a place of the rich, upper-lever people of which a plenty are living in Shanghai. Of course you would never see those people walking on the street, or riding the subway or going for windows shopping.

After that little tour, we decided to sit outside of a Jazz bar, where real life music was played inside. Sitting inside would cause a minimum spending of 150 yuan, around 15 Euro. 15 Euro might not sound so expensive in Europe, but it is definetely a lot for Chinese people. So we decided to stay outside. I looked through the menu list, most of the drinks cost 90 yuan and above, which is around 9 euros. Even a beer is in that price. Snake like chiken wings and that kind as well. My father gave me a funny look and said that this is how the prices here are. I decided for a cocktail made out of red wine, fruit juice and sprite called Sangrilla. It was quite tasty... but on the behave of 90 yuan it better be!
And we started to talk about God and the world, about my future, about my dad's past lover story, about the housing price here in Shanghai... It was really nice. I actually asked my dad out for more than one week now. But he always had problems of going as he had to make my little sister go to bed as her mom gets up to early in the morning and is not able to calm down that little monster. So she always gets mad at her which then made it my dad's job to do this. Finally on that day, after putting the little girl to bed, we went out for the first time since I came, only father and daughter. My father says a lot of time, that it everyone would think that I am his little lover instead of his daughter because in Shanghai no daughter is showing to be so close with her dad, at least not on the streets. Also which dad is going out in that hour of day with only his daughter for a couple of drinks in the bars?! I always replied with "then let them think that we are lovers" and laughed... XD

We drank until 2 am. In Europe, it is still early. Most of the bars there opens up until morning which is totally normal in big cities. It looks like this does not apply to Shanghai. Our bar already lit up the inner light, the musicians were already gone and we could not do but also leave. Looking around, most of the bars are also already empty and began closing. That moment I thought that maybe Shanghai people haven't still not get used to the western night life.

Before going down to the parking lot we saw many young people coming into the buiding. My father suddenly said that there has to be clubs upstairs. He suggested to go up to see how they are like. I was not really pleased with the idea to visit clubs with my dad. But when he said that we would only go and take a look and come down again, I said ok. After sharing the small elevator with a bunch of young Shanghainese we reached the 6th floor. Indeed, there were 2 clubs located on that floor. We went insite one of them, without paying any entrance fee. It was quite nice, the dance floor was quite large, and there were sitting areas on the side, the light was shining wild, blending my eyes. We went upstairs and watched the whole scene a little while. Seeing them dancing reminds me of the Tokyo clubs, women and men dacing with at least half of a meter between each other and just moving their hips, arms and head a little bit. That is not what is called to dance... but rather slending around. But that is the thing with Asian clubs, they have not been really etablished themselves in the countries. People who come here have only one thoughts and that is looking for a partner, maybe for a drink, for a talk or even better for a night at a hotel. Those people who come often are western oriented, the more classic Asian people would then rather enjoy karaokes. I, first visited a club with the age of 14, rather prefer clubs in the western countries for the real dance and drinking, or enjoy karaokes in the eastern countries for real singing and partying. I love the night life, dance in clubs with people I enjoy to be together with, but do not really intend to try to find some kind of lovers in these places. Standing up there in one of those platforms, my father said that he sometimes visit clubs and dances when he is on business trip. Again, my face showed a stunned expression. He said that he is actually quite wild and enjoy the night life. Well... the daughter comes right after the father, I thought... He only does that during business trips as his wife dislike such places and being out that late. A bar trip until midnight would be ok, but not like what he and I did at that night. After saying this he started to shake his heavy body a little according to the dance music and I had to start laughing. What a crazy dad I just have... just thinking about being together with my DAD in a CLUB makes me feel like some kind of funny joke.
After a short stay we went out and went into the 2nd club. This one was better than the first one. It was far bigger, the music was much better and more people were inside. There we stayed only a couple of minutes and went outside. I kind of liked that place better. My dad said that most of the pretty girls inside are there to talk to the richt men who came alone for buying more alcohol drinks. That is their work. This has a little difference with the hostel clubs in Japan but works in same kind of way. What do you think why all these beautiful girls are here?! They just do not do it for fun but try to lure out the money from the pocked of these men who come here, my father said. Well I guess I got the point.

My father alreay mentioned earlier that he felt hungry. So I asked him after we left the clubs if we wanted to eat something, which is called 宵夜，xiao ye in Chinese. A dinner eaten in the middle of night, basically a 4th meal after the real dinner. And then we were up looking for restaurants. However it was not that easy to find any places on the main streets. So we went insite the little streets searching. But we could not really decide for one, and just about to leave and cook something at home, we found a place selling little lobsters for take aways. At that time I was already quite sleepy and did not really wanted to eat something. But when I saw lobsters my apptise rose again. We bought around 1 kg of lobsters. Dad let me taste one, it was really hot and spicy... but really really good! O.o So we dashed home and finished this kilo of small creatures in less about an hour. Even though my lips were red and swollen from the red pepper sauce added to them, I still could not get enough. My dad said that he will get me more in the next days.. XD

I went to bed around 4 am. I was not a bit tired after finished half kg of the lobsters. I was really satisfied about that night and enjoyed being with my dad. He is really a cool guy, who can enjoy life like a young man, makes up a loving husband and good father, and be successful researcher who can teach his student well. What more of a father do I want?! Perhaps just that I wish to be able to spend more time with him... but my faith has decided on this way and I just have to give in. Then the more I treasure the time with him here in Shanghai.

Shooting Stars

2009-08-13T07:17:16Z

There supposed to be the yearly Perseid meteor shower yesterday night. I really wanted to see it... I even told that my bf so we could watch it together at one time (since Japan has only one hour of time zone difference compared to Shanghai), even though we are in 2 different places.
I did not want to give up yesterday even though I know that in Shanghai, even when the sky is clear, it is to bright for stars to appear. And of course the same goes with inner city of Tokyo. However, I just wanted to try out if if you can still see a little bit if you wait long enough. So after I chatted with my boyfriend on skype I went to the big balcony of my dad's mansion, covered with a huge blanked and sad on the floor to wait for the falling stars to appear. And guess what... there weren't any. >.< Since the sun eclipse there has been rain everyday. And of course the sky never actually cleared up in these days. I mean I should have known that it must be impossible to see any.

In the first 10 min, I believed to have seen one till three little, bright stripes striving through the skies. But I was not sure if there were shooting stars or just some weird imagination of me. And then I waited, waited and waited... I think around 30 min, I decided to go inside because I was quite sure that none will appear. Before opening the door, I turned a last time back and suddently I saw a big hole in the middle of the dense black clouds, and a huge, bright star appeared. Then after a couple of seconds a bright, little light dashed by, from north to south, right infront of me. I could not really believe my eyes. There was really a meteor star! *O* I almost cried out! >O< I was so happy I got to see one. And of course just right after that I made a wish. All my sleepiness and tiredness was gone, and I was so touched that even though there was such a thik layer of cloud, this little star still made out of it, brighter as any other shooting star and appeared in front of me. I did not know why I think this weird way... I think maybe just because this little star gave me a hope, that even though there might be obstacles everywhere and your path seems so unclear, there must be somewhere a brighter shine that leads you if you believe in yourself. It was the first time after perhaps 7 or 8 years that I have see a shooting star once again. The last time I saw one was the time when I went to Hungary with a couple of friends during summer, and because its a village, the stars at night were so clear as nothing before. But I think none of those I saw was so beautiful as that I saw yesterday night. Perhaps because there were so many stars at that time in Hungary and a shooting star therefore does not seem so bright and beautiful. But yesterday, even though the sky was bright because of the strong reflection of all the aritificial lights of the city, it was still gray everywhere. Not even the moon could be seen behind the clouds. That was why the only one shooting star seemed so beautiful in that dark sky.

I did not know that stars could be so beautiful... I think if I see the sky of Tokyo or Shanghai, I seriously starts to miss Germany. Because as I could remember, the German skies are always so beautiful... In summer you can just lie on the field and watch stars with your beloved once, and there you don't need any sort of neon lights, flashing electric bulbs or high building, there are stars you can watch. I think I will definetely want to see the leonids meteor shower in November when it is the time. Once in my life, I want to see such a beautiful natural phenomenon.

Here is a photograph of the Perseid meteor shower was taken in 2004. Isn't this absolutely beautiful? Truely the most beautiful thing on earth is still the natural but nothing else.

Bored....

2009-08-06T08:56:30Z

I am really really bored right now! Haha

Right now I am sitting in the office... and am doing absolutely nothing! I have finished the work the manager give me three days ago. The new work I suppose to do from today has not been passed on to me yet, as this guy who is setting next to me and a huuuuuuuuge German fan has been bussy the whole morning. It looks like I would be doing nothing again the whole morning... so I decide to write an entry. I think this time is going to be a long one, as I have quite a lot of time, and I am just going to talk about how I think about love.

And now I am again asking myself if it was right to choose this internship above staying in Japan for the summer. >.< I hate thinking this way... but I really do. I just hope next week when the annual budgeting process starts I will learn more. But yes, I am happy that I was able to see my dad, his wife and my little sister again. She has been growing crazily, and is already 4 years old!! Oh my... I cannot recall anymore when it was the last time I saw my dad! How long is it already... and he is still busy.. as he always is. This makes me think that it was correct from me not having chose studying medicine or biology or anything that kind of stuff. But hey at least he gets to go to a lot of places for meeting or speeches. And he gets to do what he likes to do and does not need to work for s.o. But I would never ever chosse to study the half of my life, still being that busy after that.. but earn that little bit of money. His wife works at one of top 5 pharmaceutical company and definetely earns more than what he does! That is somehow sad I think...

Tonight it is going to be only me and my dad, visiting bar or going to karaoke. I am looking forwards to that!! I love to be with my parents... alone, talking about God and the world. Both with my mom and with my dad. Way of talking, subjects become different of course, but I still love to. Sometimes I just sit there and listen. I just do not know when and how it has become like this, that I truely think that my parents are the best parents in the world. It might sound somehow weird, but I think today it is rare that parents are children understand each other that much... and I am glad to be part of those rare examples.

Junpei and I are writing to eachother every day since I arrived at Shanghai. I can feel his true heart that he wants to keep going on with me, which really releaves me. I noticed deeply that I am missing him a lot. Before I came to Shanghai, we have been meeting eachother almost every day. It seems like there is something missing after not seeing him so much anymore... and I am worrying if I would forget his face or his voice... that is why I am urging him finally to get a skype so we can at least talk to eachother. If he is able to get a webcam or not is maybe not that urgent... but at least I want to talk to him.

I talked to one of best friend yesterday via skype. It has been I think more than half a year since I talked to her!! And it is like always... after we starts to talk, we will never stop. And I think true friendship should be like this way. It does not matter how long you do not talk to each other, it always return to the same way as before every time you guys see the opponent. I just love her and am really glad that I got to know her almost 7 years ago. But yeah we talked to each other for more than an hour via skype and also did video telephony, and it worked awesome. Skype is really a great thing, I noticed! Even though I love to use msn because of the i-cons, but when it comes to signal transmitting skype is seriously the best. If Junpei and I make it to talk this way, it would be so nice! Yeah but first he needs to learn how to use this kind of thing. I thought I missunderstood him when he said that he has not done any chat yet in his life and that he has no idea what msn or skype are. ^^;;; I really find that cute... on our last meeting on friday before I flew back to Shanghai, he told me that I have been writing his name wrong the whole time! >O<;;; It is not 順平, as I have been always writing, but 純平!! The first kanji stands of obedience or smoothness. But the kanji in the 2nd name stands for purity. I was totally shocked and mad why he has not been telling me that earlier, making me the idiot of writing the name of my own boyfriend the wrong way until now. As this kanji has been passed on by Hitomi to me, I thought it must be correct... I mean I thought he would definetely say something... but no... O.o Even though I was kind of shocked, I still find the name most perfectly suiting him. He is seriously a pure guy... hehe. He says he likes me because I am always giving my best in everything I do... but actually I can say the same thing about him. He has been very well in school until the university and studied very hard, he was also student representatives in High School. And in the university he dedicated himself totally into dancing. A lot of things I tell him seems so new to him, and he always listen to me like a child that is fascinated about the stories even though there are still a lot of language problems between him and me. I think I have not met such a pure hearted guy for a long time.. haha But I also think that is what I really love about him. And that is also what makes me believe that our hearts will continue, even though we cannot see eachother in the reality. Sometimes I think, that I have been always looking for someone whose heart is that pure... I do not want sound arrogant, but I believe that even though I am 21 and almost traveled though half of the world, I am still really naive and childish.. and do not know.. or do not want to know about the real cruel world. And perhaps two hearts just somehow fit together, don't you think? lol

Yesterday I have been writing e-mail with a old friend of mine who I got to know three years ago last time when I came to Shanghai. Perhaps I cannot really call him as a friend, as we do not know each other so much, but weird thing is that we still kept in contact somehow, once half a year or so. And to be honest, I thought I was in love with him during that summer. XDDD He is just a normal guy from a hairsaloon and dyed my hair and we started to chat. And I did not know what was up to me during that time, I came again to that saloon and actually asked for his phone number and if we could spend time together.. XD Yeahh.. I remember having written down everything once somewhere in this journal, and was really excited and certain that I was in love, but a love that cannot become real. If I think about this right now, I really have to laugh how naive I was at that time. I was really into his looks I guess, and that he was good in singing (I think?...). This time, being in Shanghai, I hoped to see him again, but unfortunately he went back to his hometown again. But what really weird is, he is writing a lot of sweet things, like that I got prettier (after begging me for sending a pic..) and that he would like to come to Shanghai to visit me, and that he misses me... and already asked if I am in a relationship or not in his 3rd e-mail. I was kind of confused as he truely said to me 3 years ago, that he will be waiting for his love to come and did not show any sign of interest in me. Well... this everything is not that important. I told him about honestly about my boyfriend and asked him if he has found someone. Well until now there is still no answer... XDDD I wonder if he still wants to visit me now... haha. Well anyway... I just think that I will never ever be able to cheat on Junpei, one reason because I just love him, another reason is also because I know what is like to be cheated on and that is the worst thing you can do to someone who loves you. I cannot really say that my last boyfriend seriously cheated on me, according to him he said his feeling for me was just gone... and somewhat like that he misunderstood friendship as love... whatever... but I knew from his best friend that he could not forget about his past love... or that he was a little bit in love with my Japanese room mate... and I really kind of felt like being cheated on! >.< Even though it was short love, but I truely loved him and was seriously in shock for a long time. Even though we talk normally to each other now, I think I will never be able to forgive what he has done to me. During our last chat back when I was in US, he told me that he will not able to forgive himself, and that I was probably the only one that actually truely loved him, and that he is regretting on what he has done to me and bla bla (referring to my old entry..). Right now I felt really stupid of believing a little bit what he says.. or even being kind of happy of going back to that stupid university to be able to meet him. >.< I am sorry to have thought this way, Junpei!!! (well even though that was a long time before I knew him...). Perhaps there is no reason for me to say sorry.. or perhaps it is normal so to have thought this way... But thinking about the feeling of the other person, I still feel guilty. I mean even though at that time Junpei did not exist for me, however that does delete the reality that I had a little hope of getting back with my ex-boyfriend, and the truth that he will be studying with me for another year does not change either.

But I am glad, that everthing has changed now. Now Junpei is with me and I would never ever do stupid things again. He will be the support in my heart for being strong, for keep on going, for knowing that someone is waiting for me and being with me does not matter what comes. I remember on the friday before I went to Shanghai, I met him the last time and we went to his apartment. We were lying on his bed in his room, saying absolutely nothing. Junpei is really often a quiet child, when he is with me. XDD I was getting a little bit mean and asked him that since it was my last day, if he might want to say something kind to me, being sulky again. He just smiled and said something that I wanted to hear the most, as he was able to read my heart: 心配しないで。ずっと大好きだよ。ずっと、ずっと・・・大好き。
I felt so happy at that moment... such a short sentence can make my life feeling so wonderful. From that moment on I knew I could trust him no matter what. Even though we knew each other for so short time, but I seriously feel this time it is going to be ok.

... Perhaps I am being naive and stupid again? XDDD

He even wrote me a letter, and read it to me with shivering hands holding the papers. XD That is again being so cute of him... XD But yeah this is another story...

Ok. I think I am going to break up. Sorry to have talked so much boring stuff about him. I actually intented to write a little bit about other things... but somehow it has become like this way. Love is seriously something wonderful, I believe. Even though I did not have so much experience in my life... but my mom told me, that maybe because of that, the love I am going to encounter is going to be pure and beautiful.

Have you ever watched Moulin Rouge? I watched it with Hitomi not long time ago, when we had no class on monday. There is a sentence that I really like in this movie, which I told Junpei as well: The greatest thing in the world is to love, and to be loved in return.
- I think this is so true...

Ok... I need to get going!!! See you next time, on another boring day!! XDDDDD

Happiest creature of the universe

2009-08-01T14:10:33Z

I don't know why I actually deserve to be that happy... I just do not know.

Yesterday evening I was lying on the bed of my dad's bedroom, while reading a photoalbum and started crying heavily... my tears could no stop and just ran and ran and ran, on and on... and the only thing in my head was that I wanted to go back to Japan, I want to go back to my family!! Now I am going to tell you how I actually end up like thinking this way...

I returned to Shanghai yesterday around 10 pm. So 30th was the last night I spent in Tokyo. Already in the morning, I started to pack and get stuff together. I prepare some souveniers for my teacher, who took care of us very well. Also I ran over to the shopping mal and bought my favourite men parfum: Chanel Plantinum egoist for me boyfriend who will going to have his birthday on the 4th of August but sadly I won't be there to celebrate. I also print out a picture of us to being in Disney Sea... I did not know about the size of the frame so I print out 2 sizes. Shortly before 5 pm, I hand over the souvenirs to the office and went to my last dance lesson of Seiren. Seiren is one of the two muscial circles I joined at the beginning of my semester. However since I joined enother two circles, I just made to one dance lesson every week. I really like the dance lesson as the teacher is a really good teacher. One of the senpai told me to be a little bit earlier on that day so I could talk to everyone before my last dance lesson. I already expected something but did not know what it would be. When I arrived there, I simply warmed up myself and around 6 o'clock suddently two of the grade representatives walked in, holding something in their hands. All the others stood up and went around me in circle. Suddently one of them handed me a award for being a member of Seiren Musical Project for 4 months, and another senpai handed me two photo albums with my names on it. And everyone clapped next to me. I was so surprised... I did not expect to receive something like this. We also took a group picture together and they told me that they are going to hand this group picture to me after I return to Japan in September. Automatically, I hugged the senpai who made that beautiful album.
And then I stayed until the end of the dance warm up and recorded everything as I really like the warm up of the teacher and want to do that at home after I go back to Germany. After I left the dance hall I opened up the album and looked inside... every member wrote a little paper nicetly put together with photos inside. Every little paper had my name on it... with a message for me. I am so touched and could not believe why I deserve something great like this. Thinking about the senpai writing the e-mails to everyone of the members, as I was already in the mail list so she cannot use the e-mail list. Also drawing all the flowers on the cover.. and stick the little hearts and letters on to the picture.. how much time it just cost!!! She must have been quite in exam stress as well, but they still found the time to do that for me... T__________T

After Serien, I took the train to Shinokubo where my favourite Circle Omnibus had his drinking party. I wrote to Hitomi that I am going to be late for 20 min and they sad they are waiting for me in the South entrance of Okubo station. When I arrived there it was already almost 8 o'clock. Hitomi, Shiori and Aika were waiting for me. And they lead me to the Italian restaurant where the whole floor was reserved for us. When I went in people just greeted me as always. And I sad in onto one of the table. Everything started just normal, and when the buffet started we took our plates and got food. The food was really delicious and I started to talk to the people about how I met my boyfriend and things like this. Then suddently the circle leader called up and we looked up to them. As we always celebrate the birthday children of the next month, this time 8 people have birthday in August. Everyone received a little present and just when I thought everything was finished... suddently another little present came up. It was a pink, round box with pink ribbon on it. Suddently Hitomi stood up and started to badger Yasu (the circle leader) why she was not getting a present, and the two of them started arguing. As everyone could see that this was a small show, but I really did not expect what happened next. Suddently Hitomi pull out a pink envolope out and Yasu started to read. To Han-chan. It was a letter from Hitomi to me, writing about how she met me for the first time, how we spent fun time together, how we ate dinner in the student apartment, how I helped her out in her English and Chinese homework... and how unblieveable she finds that I was going to leave. When she came to those words she suddently starts to cry and with her tears, my tears also ran down my cheaks. After she finished reading her letter, Yasu started to talk. He said that this drinking party was not just a normal party, but actually the farewell party for me. Because it was MY farewell party everyone came. There were only a couple of people missing. Then Hitomi said that she and Shiori made a photo album where all our the memories were hiding inside. Also there was a DVD, cut and made with the shortplay we had in May... which I always wanted to have. Tecchan borrowed the videos from Gotou-san and made that for me. Also Namba-san finished up the first version of our summer musical DVDs, with all three days inside.. and a special layout with only picture of me on it. Also, little Lisa's mom who borrowed me her Yukata actually finished up a hand made little album with Yukata pictures inside. And all this was handed to me. Before I realized what I was receiving there, and before I could even say out thank you and wipe my tears. Everyone cries out: awapapadupap a wapabam bum! This was the beginning lyrics of our summer musical "Grease"s main song, with the tittle: Go together! Then suddently one after another they sang that song... the lyrics were all changed, just fitting to me. One and one sang one sentence after another... and at the end, the chorus, where everone goes: いつも一緒・・・いつも一緒 (We're always be together... we're always be together...). And I was singing with them, with raning tears and crying voice. But a smile on my face. When the song ended, Yasu told me to say one last word. I knew this moment will come when I have to say farewell to my dear Omnibus. And I actually thought about what I will say at the end.. but at that moment my head suddently went white and I did not know what to say... I began to cry again, and with a shivering voice I said that I could not believe for myself that I was going to leave. All the great memories I made here with Omnibus, shortplay, summer musical, drinking parties, karaoke over nights... all these are so unforgetable... and I am going to keep this memory forever as a great treasury. I said that I am going to give my best, does not matter in Shanghai or in Germany... one day I will come back and be together with everyone again. And I said thank everyone at the end. Everyone clapped around me. And Hitomi and Shiori came and hugged me deeply. I cried out loud and said: why did you guys do this?! And they said: did we surprised you? And started to laugh silly. After that everyone came one after another and started to take pictures with me. After a while I finally woked up from the tears shock and starte taking pictures with everyone - smiling.

When the surprise party was over, we walked back to the station and I closed up the night with one clap. On the way back I heard from Hitomi that Yasu actually wrote tons of tons of long e-mails to everyone else (of course again without me on the list) that describe how the whole evening is going to go. Hitomi, Maririn and Angela went for the song and Shiori worked the most on the photo album. She picked out the photos from everyone else's mixi, printed them and wrote all these messages. Also, Hide, Shiori and Hitomi wrote e-mails to the senpais to write e-mails what they wanted to tell me. As they thought my mail box would get full really fast, they actually wrote down all the messages on papers representing them. And this everything during the exam period!!! I just could not believe it... I am seriously the happiest creature in the whole universe, being loved by so many people this way. I would have never even dreamed of that. T________________T

In this short time, I experienced the happiest 4 months of my whole life. With that night I could really say this. Until the day before I was already content with what I had... but after that night.. I thought I had even more... more than others have. Most of the people wrote that my smile gave them power and make them happy. But I think it was the way around, because they were they.. I smiled! Especially Shiori and Hitomi, they became my family, my treasure... and I never going to forget them, wherever and whenever I am in the world. Just 4 short months... but what precious 4 months. Because they were there... because I joined these circles... and met those people. Every shines like a little star and they are going to be more and more shining in the future.

I promised them I will come back. Because I knew that after that day Japan has become my home, another place to be... where more and more family members are waiting for me to go back. And I noticed that my mom is not always right with what she said.. she said friendship never last long then family members. At the end they mostly take use of each other and forget about you. Some part of what she says might be true... but friendship is not always like this. It is also the heart that counts... and I notice that I was loved by so many, especially Hitomi and Shiori. And I am loving them my girls as well... forever and ever!

kotorichan @ 2009-07-26T21:04:00

2009-07-26T12:14:40Z

This is my new happiness:

Well.. he might have the best face on photos, but in reality he is actually pretty good looking. XDDD (what am I saying.. of course to me he is always good looking..)
But he is really cute when he smiles, as his eyes complete disappears.. ^//////^

Also.. you are going to die when you see him dancing.. absolutely amazing.. >/////< I wish I could dance at least a quater as good as he does.. *sigh*

Next time I will just upload a video how he dances... But I will only get a video when he dances cha-cha, but not when he was doing rumba... arrrg... that was so amazingly good. T.T

Today we went dating in Roppongi, first we went to see a Chinese artist and his new art collection, also we went to see beautiful aquarium and drank cocktails in the 52th floor.. that was really romantic. ^//////^ I had a great day. On tuesday we decided to go to Disney Sea, I cannot wait for that!!! ^O^

Well.. I will only have only 4 days when I am going to see him. T.T I am going to be so sad. But he promissed me that he is going to do his best even when I left... ^////^ So I just have to give my best!!!! Fighting!!!!

kotorichan @ 2009-07-19T21:41:00

2009-07-19T12:44:11Z

We are dating...

I confessed to him yesterday and he meant even he does not know what will happen after I return to Germany but for the time what we have, he will be with me. よろしくお願いします

I am so happy... I am so happy that I cannot believe that this is actually true...

I am so sad... I am so sad that I will leave him soon...

This kind of feeling is making me a little bit crazy... But still I am thankful for everything. He has made the 4 months complete, to the best 4 months I have ever experienced in my whole life. And I will be going through the last most wonderful time in the next 10 days.

I am happy for what I have, ... that he is there... to love me.

純平さんはカッコいい！！！！

2009-07-12T13:46:22Z

I think I fell in love...

今恋をしていると思う・・・

Ich denke, ich habe mich verliebt...

我想我恋爱了...

Je pense que je tombe en amour...

... but it's too late.

・・・でももう遅いです。

... aber es ist zu spät.

... 但已经晚了。

... mais c'est en retard.

kotorichan @ 2009-07-02T16:02:00

2009-07-02T07:24:04Z

Ok I have another 30 min until the next class... so I decided to write lj again.. instead of doing research for my stupid report and presenation that is due to next week... ahhhh (Ｘ．Ｘ;)

I have calm down with the murder case... ヽ(´ー｀)ノ
I mean of course I will have to take care of myself.. but what happens just happens...
I cannot stop me being running over accidently by a car of which the driver fell asleep, or being hit by a lightning during this rain season, or falls falls down the stairs and hit my head, or eventually get the swine influenza or other deadly illnesses.
Being stupid to always worry about those things I should better concentrate how I should spend my last 30 days here in Japan. But right now I cannot think about anything else beside of doing my reports, finishing my presentations and get damned a good grade in the classes!! But it is still like ... "surprise! You have got an A or F" -case. (ﾟ-ﾟ;)←

I think I will just miss everyone here sooo much... Right now I cannot believe that I might not be able to see some of them for the rest of my life after a get on the plane this time. I mean... I do not know when I am going to be back next time... maybe next year, but maybe in 3 years, or 5 years.. or 10 years!! ~~~~~~~~(；ω；)

Even though I try to keep a little distance to them, because I know if I go too close to them it would just be too sad at farewell. But I still want them know that I really really love them very much and that I wish everyone of them all the best for their futures. Even if you cannot imagine.. but the time I have spent here in these 3 months have been so wonderful... I can almost maybe the most wonderful time in my life so far...
Then I ask myself why I just do not stay here.. I mean I can just stay the summer here and reject my internship opporturnity in Shanghai, or come back to Waseda next year for a Master... but I know I cannot do that. Because ever person needs to go on and find his or her own way. Even though happiness and fun is very important in life... but pursuing your profession, using your time to study more and more, seeing the world, expand your boundaries... are all also very very important. And I believe that 4 month are enough for fun and hobbies and I need to return back to what I need and should do.

I really treasure my time and the memory I left here and feel really sad to leave everything here... but I believe that my choice is correct. Perhaps I will come back one day, sooner than I thought, and we will be joint again.

Haha... now I used up 20 min just talking about this shit. Sorry about that guys... ^^;;;

I am getting to class now... it is going to be a hard day!!!!! Fighting!!!

Btw. I forgot my cell phone at my room... you know what is being like without cell phone in Tokyo? It is like... almost clinging aways from the rest of the world... haha.. that is why I am blubbing all these nonsense... XDDDD

mixi 日記

2009-06-30T17:05:53Z

怖い・・・ (ﾟ-ﾟ;)←

今朝の０時何分、西川口駅から約５００メートルのアパートで死んだ女性が見つかられたそうです！！！胸と背中が何回目ナイフに刺された！！それだけじゃない・・・そこから、約６００メートルの川で一人男の遺体が見つかられたみたい！！！二人死んだよ！！！

容疑者はその同じアパートに借りている、２８歳の中国籍女性そうです。今見つかっていないです。殺す使ったナイフもまだ見つかられていないだ・・・

今私なぜ毎日日本にあるような殺人事件書くのか知りたい？　理由は簡単・・・私は毎日その殺された人のアパート近くある道を通るから！！！！

西川口駅私毎日使うの駅から、そして私はほとんど夜の１１時半ぐらいその道を通ってる・・・

あああああああ\(´>ω<｀)/

犯人がまた見つかられていないだ！！！！

そして、その殺された男性とその殺された女性の関係は？？？

だから今朝その道が全部警察に閉められました・・・黄色いテープを使った、ドラマみたいと思った・・・ヽ(´ー｀)ノそして今日１１時半ぐらいの帰りはまた普通にその道で通った・・・何も考えずに、あ・・まだ閉まってると思った・・・(￣ー￣)

って帰ってきて、寮長さんから殺人事件の話を聞いて、自分もネットで調べって、今自分のことバカだと思っている！！！！！！！本とにバカ！！！（゜゜;;） ←　同じ感じしおりに怒られた・・・ごめん！(＞-＜;)
二度と夜にその道を使わないことを決めた！！！(Ｘ．Ｘ;)

また遅くないかも知らないけど・・・今日から帰りは気をつけます！！！

マジで怖いな・・・早く犯人を捕まってね！！！それども犯人は早く自分が自首しなさい！！！( ﾟ艸ﾟ);;;

日本ってさ・・・やっぱり危ない人いっぱいいるな！！！泣く~~~~~~~~(；ω；)

kotorichan @ 2009-06-22T14:15:00

2009-06-22T06:23:12Z

Hallo!
I am still alive.. I know. I should definetely write more entry, but I sooooo don't have the time to do that! And here is the reason why!

Guess how a typical day during my exchange semester at Waseda looks like:

AM

6.45 -- Get up with swollen eyes

7.35 -- Breakfast time in WG, I always eat Japanese breakfast with rice and miso instead of western one with bread. Often due to tiredness, however, I messed up the white rice bowl with the red miso one... -.-
Also I always drink one of those horrible tasting coffee in the morning, because or else I cannot stay awake during the morning lectures.

7.55 -- Get out of the house, either walking when it's raining, or ride the bycicle when the weather is good.

8.10 -- Arrive at the nearest station, 西川口駅, and get on the most fullest train you can ever imagine. It does not matter how nice you are dressed in the morning, you always get totally messed up after getting off the train.

9.05 -- Drained in sweat and exhaustion, arriving at Waseda main campus 5 min late. As the teacher normally comes late it is not that bad if you are 5 min late at time.

10.30 -- End of first lecture in the morning while the tiredness reaches almost its peak. If I look around me, I can see at least 30% of the people sleeping on their desks. Run to the next building for the next class.

10.40 -- Start of the next class

12.10 -- End of the morning classes and start of the lunch time. I mostly go down to the Family Mart and buy a little coup soup, a fright chicken and one onigiri. However, I only eat the onigiri at around 6 o'clock pm as or else I will have to until midnight to get the next bit of food.

PM

1.00 -- Start of the 3rd period. Mostly one of the boring ones has started. Due to the lunch I mostly get extremely tired in this period. Especially on Tuesday and Thursday I have this extremely horrible class called Japanese Industry and Economy with an extremely slowly English speaking teacher, giving extremely chaotic slides, to extremely boring subjects with extremely lot amount of work.

2.30 -- End of first afternoon class. TIme to get to the next class

2.45 -- Start of the 4th period which is most of the time Japanese class. The classes are most of the time interessting. There are however quite a lot of tests in those classes for which I always have to prepare. (Note that there are 15 min break in the afternoon class...they just changed it this year.)

4.15 -- End of the 4th period. I don't have a 3rd and 4th period on Monday and don't have a 4th on Thrusday which I use for either sleaping, or writing report.

4.30 -- Start of the 5th period. I only have 5th period on Monday and Thrusday which is Advertising. This class is on one side not that interesting when it comes to theoretical stuff, but when it comes to watching TV advertisements it's quite funny. The female professor is quite kind and nice to use exchange student. The tests however are not that easy.

6.00 -- End of the 5th period. Running over to Student Building,学生公館（学館）.

6.20 -- Start of the Summer Musical Practice

9.10 -- End of Musical Pratice for me. Normally the practice goes until 10.00 pm. However as I have my part time job I often have to leave 10 after 9.

9.20 -- Beginning of my part time job as English tutor starts in the nearest caffe of Waseda. I am teaching English to a 27th year old, single Salaryman. The teaching is quite fun, as I learn a lot of Japanese in the same time, also the payment is not bad, 3500 yen for 1.30 hour. The bad side however, it's always starts so late that I mostly have to fight against heavy sleepness after an exhausted day.

10.50 -- End of class and my way back home.

11.40 -- Arriving at home and start to eat dinner. The WG manager is always so kind and leaves one portion of dinner for me even though I always come back so late. Normall the dinner goes until 10.30 - 11.00 pm and it is not allowed to leave dinner for so late. But as the manager is so kind he always do this for me.

0.00 -- End of dinner and get back to room. Get into public shower.

0.30 -- End of shower.

0.45 -- Going to bed time and falls asleep after only a minute.

You see that how a tpical day for me looks like! Crazy what? ^^;;; That is why I do not have anytime for any otther things. However, as I don't have classes on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday, I at least have the morning for a little bit more sleep, cleaning, drama watching time. But in the afternoon I normally have circle acvities, as there ballroom dancing on Wednesday and on Saturday, and right now Musical practice every day! So no way for me to rest.

Daily Schedule in Japanese:

月	火	水	木	金	土
多国籍企業論論	日本語読解		日本語文章表現
多国籍企業論	マーケティング戦略論		経営特学諭	マーケティング戦略論
	Japanese Industry and Economy		Japanese Industry and Economy	現在保険論
	映像で日本語学ぶ			日本語文法
広告論			広告論
	Musical夏公演練習	競技ダンス練習	SERIN Musical ダンスレ	Musical夏公演練習	Musical夏公演練習 / 競技ダンス練習
	Musical夏公演練習	競技ダンス練習	SERIN Musical ダンスレ	Musical夏公演練習	Musical夏公演練習 / 競技ダンス練習
（バイト）	バイト	（バイト）	バイト	（バイト）

This is how it normally looks like in one week. Of course during Wednesday and Sunday I normally either study, grocery shopping, going practice meet friends or something else comes between. Mostly the Tuesday and Thursdays are the hardest ones.

However, I have to say I don't regret at all how I chose my exchage student life here as I use up every free time and really enjoy my time here.

But therefore forgive me not have the time to write here... I really will make it up after going having come back to Germany or so.

See you next time!!!

first entry at mixi

2009-05-13T03:56:47Z

Sorry not having kept my promise of writing more often. It's really I do not have the time to calm down at all. Also I have decided to start mixi as well (Japanese community page, where everyone is there.. ^^;;;), so sometimes I will just put the entry from there over here...

Today, I wrote my first dairy entry at mixi, in Japanese!!!!

Haha, it took me quite long to write this short entry... but I have suceed!!!

here it is:

-----------------------------------------------------------

はじめってmixiで日記を書くのことになりました！！！

皆はここにいるから、自分も頑張らないと・・・

でも難しいな・・・しかも日本語で・・・汗

３月２６日アメリカから日本の早稲田大学の留学生活が始まったよ！！！今まで毎日楽しく進んでいる！！！

友達をできたり、サークル活動やったり、学校に行ったり、バイトをしたり・・・完璧な大学生生活をしてる！！！あ・・九分の・・・恋をしていない・・泣

まだ一ヶ月ここにいるの事まったく気づてない・・もう一ヶ月だ！！！そろそろ上海に帰ること考えないろ・・・あまり考えたくないけど、でもそうしないと、落ち着けなれない・・・
でも皆と離れたくないだ！！！ここの全てを愛してる！！！

今朝中国大使館に行き積もりだけど、寝過ごした。目をさめたも１１時だ・・・事務所１２時までやってるから・・・無理だ！！だからいまベットでごろごろしてる。笑

そろそろ起きたほうがいい・・・勉強したしょうがいい・・・したくない！！本とに完全に怠け者になった・・・

でもそれは青春じゃないですか？？？！！！

笑

よし・・・起きます！！今日の一日また頑張ります！！

kotorichan @ 2009-04-29T01:38:00

2009-04-28T16:40:14Z

Ahhh it has been so long since I wrote my last entry... yeah seriously more than one month now... wow! I am really sorry, that I did not write earlier... I have been just way too busy lately.. that I even do not have the time to rely to e-mails. First of all, sorry Aqua!! I really forgot to reply to your mail... I am so slow at typing German or English on the mobile so I wanted to wait later until I have more time to reply to you... but guess what... I forgot.. ^^;;;

But yeah since you asked what and I have been doing since I arrived at Tokyo... I will just write a little bit about it right now.

To describe my time here at Waseda in one sentence it would be:

........It's just too awesome to be true!!!............

I just cannot find any words to describe it... it has been more than 4 weeks since I arrved to Tokyo and almost 4 weeks since I started my exchange semester here at Waseda. I feel like if I have been living here my life long... I remember when I was thinking about which university I wanted to go after High School, that Waseda would be such a great one... but this was so impossible that it seemed to be a dream. Today this dream has been fulfilled... and I noticed that the dream about Waseda has been confirmed. I had all right to dream about Waseda. Because now I finally got to know what it means to have a "student way of life!"

Before I start to talk great about Waseda, I just wanted everyone know that Waseda is not a place to expand your own knowledge horrizon... not with that I have seen so far. If you want to study seriously you should instead choose Keio or Tokyo Daigaku. Waseda is one of the top universities in Japan that is true... but compare to the university I now (at least to WHU) I just can say that the levels vary so much from each other. For me the only thing I learn the most at Waseda is Japanese. But hey... I am here to have fun... to experience the real student life... and in that point Waseda has surpassed all of my expectations!

Due to space and time limitation I cannot start to talk about everyday since I came to Waseda, therefore I will just summarize everything.

The best thing I find great about Waseda are CIRCLES! On the day of your University entrance ceremony (1st, April) and the whole week with this, all the circles of Waseda are gather together on the main campus and try to convince freshmen to join their circles. It is a thing that you experience or seen so far. I am an exchange student, therefore, not need to attend any university entrance ceremony... but I still wore my suit and went there to see how an entrance ceremony was like. After it was done, all the freshmen came out of the university and step into the main campus... and there sophmore, juniors, and seniors form a big corridor out of people and start to give out pamphlets from their circles... it is not only 1 or 2, and also not 9-10, but 100 - 200 pages that you get on that day!!! If you start to spread out your arms to receive some of them, you have already done a mistake. Because once you open up your arms, the next people you passe by will on and on try to put their pamphlets on top of the others... so it begins to built a pile which grows higher and higher... and it does not stop...

When I tried to find my way though this human corridor, I was releaved that some of the guys suddently handed me a paper bag so I could put all those into it... as I was also wearing a suit, I was also mistaken to be a freshmen, so there was no escape from them. There I lost the Korean friend with who I came to the ceremony... and found the first circle, a Musical circle called Seiren Musical Project. On that afternoon, I watched a show they had last year on DVD called "Me and My Girl" and was so fascinated by their performance that I could not believe that the most of actors and actresses are actual younger than me... after that we went to Japanese Yakiniku restaurant and all the sempais treated the freshmen to dinner and all you can drink juices and alcohol. There I got to know that this what they do is called "Shin Kan Kai", in Japanese 新観会. As Waseda is absolutely famous for its number of circles... also called the circle heaven - サークル天国. Waseda has hundreds of circles: standard sport circles
tennis, volleyball, foodball, soccer down to specialities like diving, skiing or chearleading. Dancing circles for example are all together more than 20 or 30 as there all kinds of dancing circles. Artist circles, like Manga study, drama, piano, ensemble, choir, Jazz, acapella, traditional music instruments... study circles like english debating, spanish, law study circles, international exchange... Funny and spaciality circles like media study circles (announcer, making MV), Japanese kabuki, tea ceremony, or fan circles... almost everything you can imagine!!!!
every April, all the circles organizes events as for examples drink parties (飲み会 or コンパ), watching sakura (花見), 2 days travel (合宿) or getting know training sessions (練習会). Everything is either free or very cheap for freshmen so therefore many freshmen uses this chance to get free food and drink during their first month. Others are just going around circles to find the right one they want to join.
I did that too. Therefore during the last 4 weeks, there were almost no day that I came home earlier than 23 pm... Everyday I had different events going on, most of them where some training scessions plus drinking parties afterwards.
For me I have found 3-4 interessting circles I have been going to their events recently, two musical circles, one is this Seiren Musical project, other one is called Omnibus, also a Musical circle. The 3rd one is a dancing circle and the fourth one a Magic circle. Last one was at first a circle I went bc I did not have anything to do on that day so I went to their drinking party. But it was so fun, that I even now went to couple of training sessions... ^^;; The thing about circles is that you can get to know so many cool people, make a lot of friends and have tons and tons of fun in a very short time. The members welcome you warmly as you might be a possible future member of this circle. You cannot only make friends with the grades over you you can also make many freshmen friends. In the dorm I have found two best friends who I spent most of my time together, with them I go to Omnibus, and the dancing circle. I have make friends with many old graders and freshmen as well...
My phone number list has grown from around 30 people... until 150! And did I already told you guys that there are so many good looking guys here at Waseda? The same goes for beautiful girls.. many of the could be already models. I do not know where they are coming from, but they are just there... I know that is impossible to find anyone within the next 3 months.. but just hanging out with them, having fun is already enough for me.

So.. I better stop here.. next time I will upload pictures and you can see yourself what kind of beautiful faces are around me every single day... I do not know if its a good thing or not.. hehe but see them yourself...

kotorichan @ 2009-03-24T14:49:00

2009-03-24T18:51:32Z

In 5 min I will get on my way to Newark NY airport to take the plane towards Frankfurt, and afterwards towards Narita, Tokyo Japan.

It was a great internship of 2 and half months. I really enjoyed my stay here in the US, and hopefully I will come back to see everyone.

I will miss it here!!!! May, don't forget me!!!!!

Bye!!!!

Pictures, pictures, pictures

2009-03-11T22:32:52Z

Finally pictures from the United States! Sorry that I took so long... I was just being lazy again. Another two weeks until I am done with this internship. I think I will really miss it here. Even though it was really boring at the beginning, but now I really got used to living in Allentown: going to work every day, having my well deserved closing-time, going out to lunch with May and travel all around USA during the week-ends. But since I just cannot wait for the time in Japan, this feeling kind of beat the sadness of leaving here.

So stop the nonsense... have fun with the picture!! ^O^

Visiting Philadelphia for the first time. Behind me is the China town there. I swear, in every big city in the US, there is a China town. XDDDD Yeah.. we yellow people are everywhere.. haha

Going shopping with May and his husband in the 2nd biggest mall of the US, King of Pusher!! It's so huge that you might need several days to go through all the shops! We just went there for three hours.. hehe And the clothes were so cheap too!! I bought a pair of pants for only 17 bucks!

Going out lunch with May and her friend at Ichiban, the place we went the most during lunch time. Is really good there, they have Sushi and Tepan Yaki!! Even though we go there way to often, but the food is still so good, that we cannot get enough of that.

Maya, a friend of Monika, an intern from a different company, came to visit her. They have several interns every year so we met and went shopping together. We went to the outlet premium mall in the near of Philadelphia. It was a nice shopping, I got quite many things for not so much money. That's the bad thing about US, you only buy because it's cheap not because you need it.. ^^;;

That is Monika, she is really a cute girl. But she already went home to write her Diploma thessis.

That's Thore, the other intern who came three weeks ago. We spend most of times together, as now I finally have someone who can drive the car and take me to places.. haha. I know I am mean... But we really had a great time. This is Philadelphia, the first place we went. We went there for sightseeing.

It is really a beautiful city you have to admit. I really like Phily. It is not so bussy as NY, is really beautiful, clean and pleasant for walk. I really recommend you to visit the city when you have the chance!

Even though the sun was shining, it was quite cold on that day. After our lunch in China town, we took a little break in front of a museum. The sun was really warm and pleasant.. hehe

A couple of costumized people standing in front of one the building they hold the first parliamental meeting. They were even talking about consitution and stuff.. we joked that they actually came through a time mashine... hehe

Some Memorial. Phily has a lot of historical buildings and places to visit.

That is Allentown, the place I actually live. Those houses were actually cute, but in reality the downtown is quite ugly. Hehe We still went there on a ride around allentown on the next sunday. After the ride we decided not to come back at this place anymore, hehe.

Monika had her farewell party at their place. Those are all the interns from Bosch Rexroth... they have so many German interns.. and B Braun only have two. how pathetic.. hehe. That guy next to Monika is her boyfriend. He is really good looking, don't you think? XDDD

This is NYC!!! I went there once before 4 years ago when I had my exchange year in Arizona. But you can never have enough of this city I guess. There we were standing in line buying tickets for a broadway show. It was freezing cold, and we stood around a hole hour.

The Reese shop! I just love Reese's peanutbutter cups.. I normlly don't like chocolate, but that is really tasty!!!

The M&M Shop!! They had so cute stuff there!!! Look at those cups... so funny!!! Be but the stff were way to expensive to buy... *sigh* I got a blue M&M figure that can shake his heads.. I think looking at this will almost reminds me of my stay here in the US.

Miney Monaliza the Disney Shop. They had really pretty paintings there.. I wish I could take one of them home...

The NY Stock exchange on the wall street! It used to be the palce with all the fortune, now it is only the place where all the disaster had its source. It's sad that this place does not look as pompous as it used to look.

The time square at night. I just love it!!!

Look at all those people... I think NY is really a city that never sleeps!

And on that sunday we went to Bethlehem downtown. It is much more beautiful than the downtown place in Allentown. It remembers me on some cute fairy tells. I especially like the street lamps, really cute.

Hehe, that was my dinner on last friday. I tried to make real US steak, and it is really as tasty as it looks like! I was proud of myself.. haha

Last weekend we went to Washington DC and spent the night at HI Youth Hostel. And they are the first two people we met. A really cute but also crazy couple. The woman, Georgia, is 29 and has three kids, divorced and a single mother. She has two jobs but at the same time a full time university student. But she still has a GPA of 4.0 and wants to work for the human rights in Europe. And her boyfriend is from the Army, and went to Irak as well. He went to Irak because his dream as a child was to become a super hero. And they were so talkactive, especially Georgia... but really nice guys. We had lunch together and talked about many things! hehe

Thore and this beautiful limo... sometimes I just wish to have more money.. and take city trip in one of those limos..

This is the entrance hall of the National Gallery West Buidling. It's absolutely huge and beautiful. I notice that you can actually see my belly on this pic.. how embarassing.. >////<
The National Gallery has many original works of real famous artist, including Monet, Leonardo da Vinci, Van Gogh, Raphael and many more! So if you are a fan of art you definetely have to visit this gallery!!

Yeahhh my favourite artist Monet!!! And one of his greatest work series: the Japanese footbridge over the water-lily pond in Giverny. I did not know that this one was there! And they also had two versions of his Rouen Cathedral and his Sunflowers too!! I was so happy to see so many of his famous original works!!!

After the gallery we went for a walk along the National Mall (the long parc, where you can find the greatest museums of DC on both sides). The weather was absolutely great on that day. Even though it was quite late, it was still really warm and bright. So we could take so many beautiful pictures of the United States Capitol. I mean the place where the house of representatives and senate of the US are housing just has to be as good looking as this. ^^

And me sitting in front of it... hehe.

I really like this picture. On the oposite side of the National Mall you can find the National Monument. Since it was already dark one cannot take a too clear picture of it. But as the sun was going down in the west, I captured this sun set picture. It almost looks like a postcard. Hehe I am proud of it!!

And finally the White House! Even though it was already night but my great camera still did not let me down! Hehe. That is actually the back of the white house. You cannot get nearer, unless you have an invitation of someone from the congress. ^^;;; So you can only stand outside of the fence, where many police cars are guarding. You are not allowed to run and to protest. I saw an old man the next morning protesting against the Irak war... and a police man came and looks like he would take him away.. poor old man, I felt quite sorry for him. Yeah.. but this is the US, what can you do... I think I won't feel great either if there are so many people observing my house everyday.

This is the official president shop in the near of the White House. Hehe.. They have this model of his office and you can sit there to take a picture.. that was funny, a very good idea. But just horrible to imagine that 4 years ago, this shop was full of Bush merchandise makes me a little sick... ><

Having dinner in a quite high level restaurant on the 14th street. We could not find any other good place to go so we decided to eat there. We just took salads as the food is just too expensive there.. ^^;; But the coctails were good, especially that one! But that already cost 10 bucks ^^;;;

The next morning in the youth hostel at the break fast table. I slept quite bad, as I took a 10 girls bedroom. And there were always people coming in and out and turning on the light. On top of that we also had the time change of loosing an hour. But still for that condition it was ok. At least I gave up the idea to share the same room as Thore does where there were 7 other stinky men. And one of them snores really badly. Thore said he slept quite aweful, it was so good I decided not to stay there! XDDD

The metro station in Washington, isn't that great looking? O.O Just compare this with these stinky and disgusting ones in NY.... its such a great difference!

The first place we went in the morning was the National Galleray East Building where they put modern and contemporary arts there. There they had Picasso and Roy Lichtenstein. If it was not because of time, I would so have spending the whole day in the building of the National Gallery. ><

Does it not look like the pyramides of the Louvre? I think they are from the same architecture.. hehe

We went to the National Air and Space museum the next. It was really fun and nice. They had great original pieces, but you could also see how the planes are functioning and buit inside. We also watched a movie called Space Collision in the Einstein Planetarium there. It was a really cool movie, you actually feel like flying in the space!

Hehe one of the orignal "I want you for the US Army" posters... Just cool to see that.

I find this picture totally cute. This kid was just sitting there like this watching planes in the TV. I guess he must have thought of becoming a pilot after he grows up. XDD

It's just a city full of art, history and culture.

I love Washington!! It's really a beautiful city. In contrast to NY this city is much quieter, clearner and easy going. Not like the dense and croudy NY. But both cities have their good sides. I definetely did not regrett to have gone there. And Thore thanked me too because at first he did not want to go. But yeah my great art of talking has convinced him. He said that without me he would have stayed all the weekends at home.. hehe.

The Ford's Theater. This picture is the tribune where President Licoln was murdered. To me Licoln was one of the greatest president in the American history. Even though I forgot most of the things I learned four years ago when I had studied the whole US history in High School I sitll remember his part. I am totally into the civil war, and I just have to like him as the key figure in this battle of the north and south. I always wanted to visit this theater to see the place where he died. Actually there were no tours going on that day anymore when we went there, but they had the last show in the theater and after the show ended, I just slipped into the back door and made many pictures.. hehe. Just as I imagined the theater was really small as the murder actually jumped down the tribune. I felt really great to have finally visited this place!

The last place we went was the parc where all many memorarials are placed. This is picture is the inside of the Licoln Memorial, just going straight from the National Monument. This memorial reminds me of the acient greek Zeus temples. The statue of Licoln was made the similar as Zeus, making him looks like a God.

This is the Korean War Memorial next to the Licoln Memorial. It is different than most other war memorials I have seen so far as you do not only see a bunch of statues or a black stone board with names on it. They actually have these staues of soldates placing like they would be still fighting in the war. The black stone board did not have names, but actually drawn faces. It was a really nice memorial.

My last picture I took when we went home. I was so tired from walking on that day as my feet did not recovered from the walking the day before either. So at the end I got more bruises on the feeet. So I was glad that it was only two days. But still they were far more things we did not see. Washington is definetely a place I need to visit again!!!

-------------------------------------------

So that's it for the pictures. I know I have put a lot of Washington pictures but not so many of NY or Philly. But since we did the most sightseeing in Washington it was obvious that we have most of the pictures from there. But I think this weekend we are going to NY again, for doing more sightseeing, so wait for my pictures!! ^O^

Boys Love - Theatrical Edition

2009-02-20T00:47:51Z

Thanks to Ai I have been watching BL movies lately... AND NO, I AM NOT WATCHING ANY GAY PORNOS!!. Those movies have little, often no sexual scenes at at all! Still I was a little bit afraid of watching those movies, just because that they might going to ruin all the pictures I have in my head... XDDD And I have to day some are not really not that well made... but others are quite good.

I will introduce my favourite one in those I have watched so far: BOYS LOVE - Theatrical Edition!!, also named Boy Love 2 (yes there are also a Boys Love 1 which was also quite good, but the story could not reach the 2nd one at all...!!) Don't fool by the name that it sounds cheap.. it's not! It might be true that the characters do not have so much experience as some other famous actors and therefore might lack in acting skill sometimes, but beside this they did their job really well!

I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU TO WATCH THIS MOVIE WHEN YOU ARE A BL FAN!!!!!

I can tell you that I almost died when the movie starts to play its ending theme song...

You might say that I am exaggerating... but I am not! I can seriously tell you that this movie is just great: beautiful actors, wonderful story and well made!!! I don't know if there are any english translation of this movie... if not I just cannot understand why not!!! >.< Just the two maincharacters.. oh gosh.. they are both sooo damned pretty!!! *////;;///*

Even though I have to say that those who have a weak heart should try to avoid this movie, you almost are not able to find a single scene throughout the movie that is not heavy or sad... Even though only based on making it can be put into the list of "normal love movies" but looking the whole it definetely will touch your heart!

If you are interessted, please take a look - summary, screen shots and links to watch it online!!

Summary:

Kairu Aoi (Yoshikazu Kotani) teaches at a prestigious Christian boarding school. One day, after a falling out with his girlfriend, he has sex with a young prostitude who seems to like Kairu and wants to give him some consolation. Soon after that, a new student, Sora Amakami (Atsumi Kanno), transfers into his class. Tois Kairu's surprise, it is the same boy he had encountered before. Kairu was afraid that when the school finds out about his incident with Sora so he everything to avoid Sora, but Sora is not about to let go easily. Sora ends up sharing same room as Ichiyou Mizuki (Yuuki Kawakubo) so the two roommates soon become friends. Without noticing Ichiyou begins to fall in love with Sora. Another classmate, Riku Hanazono (Kazunori Tani), who used to tease and tread Ichiyou very unfriendly, does not seem to like Sora at all...

Even though the plot seem kind of boring and normal, it involves a very heavy story. The movie does not only deal with homosexuality, it touches many other critical social issues in the Japanese society: prostitution, student - teacher relationships, school violence against students, bullying, rape, suicide and also role of money and power playing in the society.
--> Again therefore people with weak heart should better leave this movie.
At important scenes there are really beautiful quotes from famous people describing those scenes most perfectly. The director chose pieces from famous classical operass as background music which give this movie a beautiful but at the same time sad touch.
A movie is not a good movie if the ending is not good. And this movie has a really really great ending. There is especially one scene at the end that I already watched for 1000 times but cannot get enouth of that. This has made this movie a really great piece.

some pics of the movie and the actors...

Here are the links to watch online!

Watch it online!! - Boys Love 2 Part A (Japanese raw with Chinese subtitles)

Boys Love 2 Part B

Have fun with them!!! ^O^ And tell me then how you like it.. hehe~~~~

Things I love...2

2009-02-14T05:45:07Z

Haha I am back with a new photosession again... this time, I just want to update my last list with one new item. No! I did not forget this important point, it was just, that this one has to have it's on entry... because it is a whole list itself... XDDDDD
It's....

*drums*

Asian boys - I just love Asian boys!!! Haha!! But I think this is not a great wonder either... hehe. I really have a weakness for Asian guys. I do not why either. If it comes to western guys, he needs to be really great looking and so my type so that I would actually find him handsome or cute. Even though I am grown up in Germany and there was even a time (guess at what age..)when I even find some western guy cute, but then everything changed when I started to love Asian things. Today I almost only look at Asian guys XD. But sure, this is only about looks! When it comes to character I cannot deny that there are bunches of great western guys out there. Even though I truely wish to have a Asian as lifepartner later, but I cannot tell today if this is going to be reality. Maybe my own fate wants me go a totally different way...

I have a favor for cute and beautiful looking guys, I am not so much into masculiness... But beside the looks I also have a favor for good actors and good singers.
I do not have a top 10 or something, some of them I have like for already long time now, others I just started to like recently, also others I have liked a before, but not so much today anymore, but still deserve a place in this list. I hope I will not forget anyone.. if I do, I am very sorry about this!! So finishing up the talking.. So stop the talking now.. now here are my favourite boys ^^

Btw. those from some bands, I will take my favourite member, as then this list will just get way too long.

Jang Geun Suk - my Manga Prince!!! *////* I so love him!!! People here might not know him so well.. but he is absolutely the cutest ever. I saw him the first time on a TV show, my first thought was.. damned is he cute!! *;;* There I heard that he plays a role in the drama "Hwang Jin Yi". So I downloaded this drama and found then my favourite drama of all time... He also acted in the new movie "Baby and me". I just love him, even though he did not acted in so many dramas, he is a very good actors though. Please spread the love of Geun Suk!!

Andy - I used to love Andy so much!! He was my absolutely favourite Korean artist. Today I did not even know why.. hehe. Maybe because he is just totally cute. But when I think about it right now, he is just a too big baby. XDDD He behaves really feminine, is neither a great singer nor a great actor.. but I still liked him. Today I don't feel that at all, as I think he just grown too much femine for me. But he still deserves a place in this list. Btw. Andy is famous for his heart dance... haha that's totally cute!!

Teo Nicolas - Also a pretty unknown one.. I fell in love with him in the Tawainese drama "Smiling Pasta". I normally don't like Tawainese dramas, as they are mostly pretty bad actors and stories... and I do not like how their Tawainese dialect.. it's mostly just a horrible pronounced Mandarine. But of course there are exceptions. "Smiling Pasta" is one. It's a really funny and cute drama. I like both male and female main characters and they were really sweet together. They even put animation into the drama which made it even better! Please take a look at that!

G-Dragon - my gangster boy!! It was really hard for me to find a nice G-Dragon pic... as mostly he is always in hip hop style and bad cut hairstyle.. XD. But I still like him! I saw him the first time in my favourite Korean TV show "Family Outing" not long ago. He is totally cute. Looking at his cute face you would never think he is the leader of that famous Korean hip hop band "Big Bang". Thanks to him, I started to like songs from "Big Bang", even though I actually rarely listen to hip hop. My second favourite from "Big Bang" is TOP - he is damned good looking and a realy great rapper!!

Jaejong Hero - There is no cute boy list, when there are no members of that most famous Korean band "Dong Bang Shin Ki" right? XD I chose Hero, because I really like his cute face and his beautiful voice. I used to like Mickey Yuchon most, but after listening to their songs, I think I am still into the one with the most beautiful voice, and that is definetely Hero. And btw. I am totally fan of HeroxU-know couple!!! They just belongs together.. hehe!

Mizushima Hiro - I was not sure if I should put him onto this list... I did not like him so much in "Zettai Kareshi" but I do like him a lot in this new drama "Mechan no Shitsuji". But I think I have to watch it a little bit until his acting skill convinces me.

Hyde - my angel!! I think this guy will never disappear in my list of "the greatest man ever". I started to like Hyde when I was around 14, I heard his music the first time when I was 12... he was the guy who got me so much into Japanese world of music, rock and everything else. Even though I do not like him that much as I used to... I used to think if I have to chance to meet him, I would be the happiest woman of the world.. XDD but I will not stop supporting him. I hope his voice and the music of "L'Arc~en~Ciel" will touch more and more people.

Chou Jay - one of the greatest Chinese musician ever! It is hard to find a good picture of him though.. because he is really not that pretty.. hehe. But he has his music! He has created a complete new fashion of music in China and this fashion never stop running. His music brought me back to Chinese music again, which I almost threw away if it was not him. I hope he will stay sucessful!!!

Kim Bum - one of my new love!! I think even though his acting skill has not convinced me either, he is just way too good looking!!! He is now playing in the Korean "Hana Yori Dango" and I truely enjoy it. Even though is not the two main character but I think thank to this drama, he will become more and more popular. I just cannot get enough of his face... *////*

Kim Joon Hoon - I really really liked him, he was my first favourite Korean artist. I totally fell in love with him during the popular drama "Goong". And then I found out that he actually sings... and his voice is beautiful. I used to think that there is no perfecter man as him.. haha.. because he is great in both acting and singing. But then I got a little tired of his character... but still whenever a nice drama or album comes out, I still definetely get them!!! hehe How could you just stand not to lookg at this cute face? *O*

Lee Junki - the prince of million girls. I think there are rarely a Asian girl exisiting who does not know Junki. What I like about him is firstly of course his face, he has one of the most beautiful face I have ever seen. But I won't like a celebrity because of his face, the second thing is his acting skill. I really think there are seldom an actor who can give so much into acting as Junki. His is totally one with his roles and play them absoltely wonderful. Especially when watching him falling from emotional release into the next one just making me shiver. My favourite pieces of him are "King's man", "First love in snow" and "One brunch of Plum blossom". Especially the last one has killed and revive me during watching.. please continue to support Junki!!

Kang Dong Won - he has totally killed me with his role in my favourite Korean movie "Duelist". I think no second role actually fits him better than that one. I did not watch other works of him.. maybe just because I think only that role is hist best role... haha. But he is definetely a great actor!! ^^

Kim Jae Won - FINALLY!! MY FAVOURITE ACTOR AMONG ALL!!!!! You might ask why.. I don't know either.. hehe. I just love him!! I saw him the first time in the drama "Romance", and then was totally gone... he might not be the best looking guy I have ever seen.. but definetely possesses one of the greatest acting talents I have ever seen. He is really popular in Korea and some say that he has the killing smile! I think so to.. hehe When a work of him gets out it mostly hits a great quote! After "Romance" I started to download all other works I could find.. hehe, other great ones are: "Wonderful Life", "My sister in law is 19", "100 days with Mr. Arrogant" and "Hwang Jin Yi".

Matusda Ryuhei - Yes... I had him already somewhere here in livejournal I remember. It was a phase that I really like him. I watched everything I could find of him. When he was young he was so pretty. Right now he is just getting too old for my taste, but looking at his old works they still make my heart jumping like crazy. He is really a great actor!! Btw... he played in 2(!!) gay movies... XDDD... and acted in a make up movie of my favourite Japanese novel.

Haruma Miura - One of my new loves. He actually convince me with his acting skill after his drama "Bloody Monday". There I thought he is really a great actor. Before I thought he was good looking, but that was pretty much it. The first time I saw him was in the great movie "Koisora". Fighting, Miura! You can make it!! ^-^

Ninomiya Kazunari - Nino-chan!! If it's about Johnnys I think Nino definetely hits one of the top 10. He is really not that good looking either... haha. But I really like his acting!! I have seen almost every movie and drama, some of my favourite are "Haike, Chichiue-sama", "Ryusei no Kizuna" and "Aoi no Houno". It was so sad that I did not see in Berlin at the movie festival... yes, he is even an international actor!! ^-^

Oguri Shun - my little boy has grown up. ^.^ I saw him the first time in "GTO" when he was still a little boy, jumping down the building. And then I saw him growing up throughout the dramas and movies... from the old dramas "Summer Snow", "Stand Up" or "Gokusen" to the new ones as "Hana Yori Dango" or "Binbo Danshi". I there are no way I cannot stand NOT watching movies staring with Shun! It's not that I love him so much, but rather than that I am used to watch everything he has played in...hehe.. At the beginning I thought that he was a good looking boy with a pocker face thoughout the dramas, but more and more dramas with him I am really convinced with his acting skill. Shun, fighting!!!

Rain - also a really famous Korean singer/actor. I think he is the only international one on my list. I do not like Rain's songs too much but I really love his dramas, he is really a great actor indeed. But when talking about Rain one should not forget his daning skill and his wonderful body *///*.. even though I do not like muscle man so much, but Rain's body is just hot!!! XDDDDD After his sucessful drama "Full House" Rain's cute little one-single-lead-eyes got so pupular in Asia that there are even people doing plastic surgery to get the same little eyes as him. XDDD

Tsumabuki Satoshi - Nakimushi! Right now that's the term I have to think of when talking about Satoshi. I used to be not such a fan from Satsohi, but I liked him a lot in Lunch Queen. Right now I am watching a drama called "Techijin" with him playing a historical figure. There he cries a lot, therefore Nakimushi! Hehe. I can see in this drama, that this role fits him absolutely perfecly.. just looking at his shining eyes. I believe he is going to be successful!

Lee Sungmin - Sungmin Oppa!!! Talking about Sungmin, I think I need somewhat more than 10 pages.. haha. I think those who read my entries about my trip in Korea will know Sungmin. He used to be my absolute favourite Korean artist. I like his smile, his cute and lovely character and his beautiful voice. Right now when I think about him, my heart still beats like crazy.. thinking about how looked at me and smiled, how he talked to me and asked my name and how he held my hand... ^////^ Even though I have seen Sungmin in his real life behind the camera.. and therefore I was kind of disappointed about his behavior sometimes towards his fans. But that is just the reality, I just have to accept it. I will never stop supporting him and Suju. I will definetely visit him the next time coming to Korea, I hope he will still remember me. Sungmin Oppa fighting!
My 2nd favourite "Super Junior" Member is Kyu Jong also because of his beautiful voice and very cute character.

Fujiwara Tatsuya - Kyahhhh my lovely Tatsuya!!! */////////* I almost forgot him when I made this list for the first time... damned it, how could I?!?! I just love Tatsuya!!!! The first time I saw him was in the famous Japanese movie "Battle Royale". I felt in love with his acting skill at once. He might be not as great looking as some other actors.. but one just has to fall for his charm after watching any of his movies... don't forget this other huge sucess "Death Note".. *dies* He also acted many musicals great musicals as "Romeo and Juliet" or "Hamlet" from William Shakesbear. Tatsuya Fighting!!!

Tegoshi Yuya - My dear Tegoshi~~~~ Where Tegoshi, there is love. Haha. I have to admit that I do not like him as much as I used to. I am very sorry about that. But I think if I again starts watching his shows or listening to his music, I will again fall for him. I just like his pure character, his beautiful but strong voice, his artitude towards his friends and family and his wonderful smile. I hope to see him only once on the stage... or maybe.. at school? XDDDD
My second favourte from "News" is "Masuda Takahisa" - of course these two belongs to gether!!! Hehe, I am a great fan TegoshiXMasu!!! ^//////^

Teppei Koike - Again a very cute kid. Maybe not too much my type, because he is just way too cute. He could be my boypet, haha. But also a great actor, I liked him especially in "Iryu".. in that drama I cried a lot. I don't think he belongs too much in this list either, but I just thought about him and I put him on here.. haha

Yamada Takayuki - YAMADA!!!! My most favourite Japanese actor... Who would have thought about that. Around a year and a half Yamada surpass Yosuke Kubozuka from his first place, hehe. This guy is actually not that great looking at all. But I JUST LOVE HIM!!!!! And don't forget he is one of the most sucessful actors in Japan, so don't underestimate him just by his looks. He is absolutely a wonderful actor... The first time I saw him was in "Saki no chuushin de, ai wo sakebu". There I already found him great... but I did not fall that much.. then I started to watch more as "H2" or "Water Boys", then "Byakuyakou" and "Tayou no Uta"... I almost watched everything he has played in. There are also many great movies staring with him as "Crows ZERO", "Tegami" or "Densha Otoko". I just can say you will not like him until you have seen his works... but I did warn you, you can easily addicted to this cute, little boy.

Kubozuka Yosuke - Before Yamada, he was my favourite actor for a damned long time. Why? Because he is just a wonderful actor too! On the net, you cannot find good picture of him... which is sad.. You might not find him so great looking, but the same thing again: You just have to see his works!!! I did not watch so many works of him... but from already singles ones you can tell that he is absolutely a amazing actor. My absolutely favourite one is "Long Love Letter", also staring with Yamaeda. There you just have to see him... oh my god.. I thought my heart would stop right away... Recently he has not been doing much... which is sad. But I will never forget his old works and that has been once made me cry and smile.

Heo Young Saeng - There he goes... my favourite Korean singer... and one of the last one on this list. ^^;;; It was just hard to find a good picture that quick, I have saved tons and tons picture of him in my other computer... This cute boy is the lead singer from my favourite boyband "SS501". When I head Young Saeng's voice for the first time I thought I was in heaven. This boy just has a voice of an angel!!! */////* He might be not the best looking in "SS501" but nobody can beat him in singing" He ist also really cute, and really nice to his fans. I so want to see him again on a concert the next time... btw. I hold Young Saeng's hand!!! HAHAHAHA!! XDDD Young Saeng is mine, no oba-san can have him!!! XDDD (I was so shocked when I saw how many YS oba-san fans there are in Japan.. poor boy.. T.T)

Ling - I think nobody knows him, he is the lead singer of the Chinese Visual Kei band, Silver Ash. He has a really beautiful voice.. and he is as you can see really good looking. ^////^ I really like him even though I haven't been following his activities for a while now, I should do that... shame on me!!! As I do not have many Chinese boys here in my list, I should at list put some in here, so I decided on Ling-sama. I hope he and his little band will become more successful!! Ganbatte!!!! I will always support you!!!

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So that's it. I hope you guys like this little pretty boy list, and maybe there are people who have a similar list as I do. Hehe see you next time!! ^-^

Things I love...

2009-02-08T23:34:52Z

Haha, you would like to write more entries if your journal actually looks better now...

So I thought of posting some pictures today...

of the things that I love.... of course not everything, but some of them just popped into my head... so I thought I put them on here... there might be more later.. hehe

I hope after this people knows a little bit better about me. Maybe you can find some of your loves in this list as well ^^

No.. no stars this time^^;;;

Strawberry yogurt - I just love it... I like yogurt a lot, but when it comes to buying, I only buy strawberry flavor ones.. haha I do not know why either...

Quietness- recently I have been enjoying of being alone. I can stay the whole time at home and can find something I could do... I took this picture at the island Miyajima.. beautiful...

Old China - Thanks to all the BL novels I read recently I felt in love with the old China and the history and culture of my own country... even though I I used to like, too.. but not as much as I do now. I am really happy that I was borned in a country with such a beautiful old culture...

BL novels - I just have to put them on here... XD I used to like shounen ai and yaoi mangas a lot.. but now I know those are not compareable with the novels. Words that describe something and create images in your own head far exceed the pictures drawing on a paper or put in a motion picuture. I noticed that and I am really addicted to those. Especially these with an ancient Chinese touch. *dies for it* *________*

Green Tea - recently I only drink green tea. I like this tender, light bitter touch. If it's winter it can warm your body; when it's hot, cold green tea it's the best to still your thirst. If you like sweet, a little bit honey makes the taste even better.

Fireworks - Since I came back from Japan, I really starts to miss fireworks. Poeple, dressed up in beautiful yukatas, eating takoyakis, clapping hands when those beautiful flowers blooms above them. These also remind me of Chinese new year and the time with my family.

Jinja - a place where the you can find your own peace. I took this picture when I visited the Miyajima Jinja in the near of Hiroshima. It was a hot July afternoon, the tide went out, and no tourist was in the near... I was so stauned by this sight. I have never seen such a beautiful jinja in my whole life... I really felt the Godds right at that place.

Cherry Blossom - I have always loved sakuras. One of my biggest wish is to visit Japan in the spring time during the Sakura season. In two months this wish is going to be realized. I cannot wait for that. Even though my dream is to walk hand in hand with the person I love under those sakuras.. but I think this part of the dream is gonna take some time... ^^

Cats - I simply love nekos!! When I was a child I so wanted a cat as pet... but my mom did not allow me to have one. Later I will definetely have one. This cute thing on the picture is one from a neco cafe in Tokyo. He was sleeping like this in the middle of the room... isn't he adorable?! ^////^

Acrylic - I love to draw with acrylic. This picture was my work during the high school graduation test. I should create a picture with drawings and real elements that shows an extract of the table of an artist. I chose the table of a person who does Ikebana. I realize pretty early that I have no talent of drawing manga picture, but I might have some talents of draw real things... but today due to university I do not have any time to draw... it's sad...

Yaki Niku - It's so delicious!!! The last time I ate was even in Germany. A friend of mine works in a real Japanese yaki niku restaurant so we went there. I spent almost 60€ there fore one evening. On this picture you can actually see Kobe beef!! The president of Fuji Technotrans invited me on that night for dinner... I seriously can tell I have never eaten such a delicious meat in my whole life!!! It actually melted on my tong... well it is high standard as well.. I did not wanted to know how much it cost...

Gothic Lolita - I love the gothic lolita style. Thie picture is the one I took when I visited the gothic lolita fashion show in September last year in Tokyo. Plastic Tree went there too. Aqua recommended me to win the tickets and I actually got a pretty nice seat! It was a great show and I am really envious of those who can wear these beatufiful dresses. *.*

Jwang Jin Yi - my favourite historical woman and drama. Of course this is just the drama of this. Her life story is the most beautiful I have ever read. There is even a movie of it, but I have not seen this. I recomment this drama to everyone who love ancient Korea. With Hwang Jin Yi I also fell in love wiht Korean dresses as well.

Nihonshu - I started to like Nihon sake when I went to Japan. Why it is because it is made out of rice. When I was a child I loved the taste of the rice wine desert my grandma always bought for me. When we stayed in our old apartment someone ouside cried out: Jiuniang, want someone buy Jiuniang? When I heard that I always made my grandma going to buy it for me. Sake has a smiliar taste to it. I like the clear and tender taste ones. Even though nowadays noone would sell this desert outside I still remember the happy times during childhood when I find the same taste of it in sake...

Shanghai - Shanghai as my homecity. I will never stop loving this city. It has its dirty and ugly side as every big city in this world. But when talking about Shanghai, my heart starts to feel warm... it is full of happy memory. One day I will come back to you...

The art of Geisha - I did not want to put my own picture in here, as I was a dressed as a Maiko not Geisha. Maiko is not a grown up Geisha. The one I love is the real art of Geisha - the make up, the dress, the dance, the tea ceremonies and everything around it. Even though in the western world the world geisha can be translated into prostitute, but I believe that when a women becomes a real geisha at that time, one have become the greatest and most beautiful inside.

Studio Ghibli - I love the world of Ghibli!! I love Totoro!!! I think I will never grow up this way.. haha. When I acutally visited the Ghibli museum in Japan and looked at all the works I felt like to be in a complete different world.

Tokyo - Yes, I love Tokyo. But I guess a lot of the people here knows why... hehe. This city gives me so much surprise... It's just a wonderful place. I am happy to see it again in March!! ^^

Asian soap operas - Does not matter if it's Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Tawainese... I just Asian soap operas!!! May Asian soap operas never stops broadcasting.. and show to us more and more great actors and actresses!!!

Kiss - Kiss can express everything. I believe a kiss is more important than sex. (I am sorry that I actually put a BL one up here.. but yeah.. I just had to.. XDDD) I will never forget the feeling of my first kiss... what about you? ^^

Purikulas!! - I just love them... I cannot get enough of them... ok, let's make some when we meet in Japan next time!

Piano - Even though I am not a good pianist at all... I still love the tone of the piano... I am truly happy that my parents and grandma made me play piano even though I hated practice when I was a child. Today I am really thankful them for that. Of of my favourite song is Canon, the famous song of my sassy girl.

Karaoke - People who know me know well that I just love Karaoke! I love singing! Everytime visiting any country of Asia I just have to go singing Karaoke. Either if songs in Japanese, English, Chinese... so sad that western people do not find joy in this. T.T

Cosplay photos - I love beautiful cosplay photos. Even I am not a good cosplay myself, I love to see beautiful cosplays and their pictures. I picked out this one, because this person costplayed a character of a roman I read. (I just imagine that this is a guy.. but I think this is a girl..)Isn't it beautiful?

Guzheng - As I have been listening to a lot of BL radio record recently, I love the sound of Guzheng. Talking about ancient China, there is no way not to mention the sound of a Guzheng. So romantic... I wish I could play it.

Yaoi - sorry I just have to post this up. I just love yaoi!!!! I know I am horrible... XDDDD It does not matter when it comes to manga, or roman, or radio record, or even movie (I did not dare to search for yaoi movie.. beacause I do not think there is some good ones out there^^;; )
Btw... does anyone know from what movie/drama that is?! *;;* XDDD

Smile - people who know me just know that I love to smile. I think smile is something that can touch people even when there are culture, ethical or languages difficulties there. Through smiling you are able to make other peole happy, give them power and make yourself happy. Smile has more power than one thinks of. 3.2.1 - Smile! :D

Asian children - I love small asian children!!! They are the most cutest in the world!! I picked out this one as it did look a little bit like my little brother when he was small... haha. I hope my children later would be as cute as this.

Theater - I love to play drama. My last role as Cecily in Oscar Wilde's famous work Bunbury. I think this role fit me the best...

See food - I love see food! Crab, different fish sorts, mussle, clams, shrimps, squid, sea urchin, hummer, octobus, eal, carvier, see weed.. just everything that lived or better said used to live in water. XD I started loving it when I small... that's why I will not be able to stay in Germany for a long time, because German do not eat any see food!! >.< Well they do.. but not often.. and definetely not fresh ones!!! In contrast I feel the best when I am in Japan, China or other places when you can enjoy sea food. People who dislike sea food seriously miss something great in life!!! *.*

My new harcut - since yesterday.. I just cut my hair a little bit shorter, this time I did not want to have a complete new style.. how is it? haha.. well I wanted to put a different picture up here.. sorry about that...

Ok.. that's it... Even though the pictures do not have any special orders, some I have liked for a long time, some I just started to like recently. I hope you like them and knows a bit more about me now. ^^

LJ Layout

2009-02-08T03:27:22Z

I just changed my livejournal layout. I wanted to change it for a long time, but did not know what to put. Recently I saw this picture and really like it. I first thought wow, what a beautiful drawings of a lady, but then I notice that it is a man... XDDD And I really have to think of all some of my favourite uke characters from the romans I read... and this picture starts wake a nice feeling inside me. So I decided to put it on here. I still like Tegoshi-chan, but it's been already so long that I did not follow any Johnny's activity now and I am not suppose to do it. So I also delete all the Johnny's tags and after a while I will also change my Icons. Well I will only use one anyway because I think a Icon suppose to let others recognize someone, so I won't change it. But before I find a new one, I will keep this Tegoshi...

When I tried to change my layout I noticed a new problem
I DID NOT KNOW HOW CHANGE IT...

as I do not know anything about HTML. The two layouts before were both made by friends of mine... so I tried to look through the overrides and finally got a clue about how to do it. So I changed some of the attributes in that and finally got it somehow nice now. However, like a said, I only replace some of the attribute, but did not write any HTML code myself.. as I did not want to ruin anything.

that's why I am I still face some problems...

- how do I put background behind the background, I mean not only colors...
- how do I change the text style, I only know how to change the size#
- how do I make the title of each journal entry standing out, I mean have actually a different size and style for the titles only.

I hope someone can help me a little bit with that...

I seriously should have studied some HTML...

so komisch...

2009-02-06T04:35:49Z

Nach so langem hat er mich plötzlich wieder im Chat angesprochen... ich dachte es wird wieder wie einer der wenigen small talk Chatgesprächen, die wir auch früher geführt haben... aber plötzlich meinte er, er vermisse mich. Zwar hat er das auf Japanisch gesagt, aber mein Herz hat sofort angefangen wie verrückt zu rasen.. ich wusste auch nicht wieso. Ich habe ihm gleich auf einen Scherz gesagt, dass er doch bitte so etwas bescheuertes nicht sagen soll. Und dann hörte er nicht mehr auf, und meinte noch, dass er echt manchmal an mich denken muss und dass er es schade finde, dass wir uns wahrscheinlich nicht mehr sehen werden. Und er hat sich x mal bei mir entschuldigt, und schrieb dass er doch ein totaler Idiot sei mir so etwas angetan zu haben.. und dass er es heute noch bereut.. Ich meinte ja, dass es doch schon längst Vergangeheit und er darüber nicht mehr reden sollte. Außerdem waren auch schöne Erinnerungen dabei gewesen. Dann behauptet er aus heiterem Himmel ich würde ihm bestimmt nicht vermissen. Dann bin ich etwas außer mir geworden und meinte dann, wie schwer es mir damals fiel ihn zu vergessen und es mir sogar heute auch noch manchmal schwer fällt. Daraufhin meinte ganz plötzlich er wäre ein Idiot gewesen, dass er nun so lange gebraucht hat um so etwas zu begreifen, nun da ich doch so weit in der USA bin. Aber wir sollen darüber nicht mehr reden. Ich wusste da auf einmal nicht mehr was ich sagen sollte... meine Finger haben beim Tippen gezittert. Ich habe dann nur gesagt, dass ich hoffe, dass wir uns wieder sehen. Er fragte, und dann? Ich so.. ja wie dann.. habe nie darüber nachgedacht. Er sagte: wir werden sehen... Da blieb mir auch die Sprache weg...
Er schrieb, er wolle nun ins Bett gehen, da es bei ihm schon fast 5 Uhr morgen ist. Ich meinte dann, er solle wirklich schlafen. Er meinte gute Nacht.. ich habe dann gesagt, dass ich heute wahrscheinlich nicht gut schlafen werden, dank einer gewissen Person. Er hat sich dann wieder entschuldigt und meinte ich sollte das was er gesagt hat wieder vergessen. ^^;; Ich lache dann blöd und meinte, das es ein Scherz ist und es ja nicht schlimm ist. Dann haben wir uns verabschiedet. Ich meinte, dass ich mich öfteres melden werde. Das habe ihm letztes Mal auch versprochen.. aber ich war nie online. Werde ich es diesmal schaffen? Hm.. das weiß ich selbst nicht.

Er war meine erste richtige Liebe gewesen... und auch die letzte, die ich hatte. Wir waren nur so kurz zusammen gewesen, ich dachte ich könnte damals echt glücklich werden. Aber dann hat er mich in die Hölle geschupst und von heute auf morgen mich verlassen. Damals hat es so wehgetan... ich habe ihn wirklich gehasst.. aber konnte das letztendlich doch nicht, schließlich habe ich ihn ja echt geliebt. Doch die Gefühle verblassten, der Schmerz auch... heute denke ich, ich bin schon drüber hinweg. Aber ich weiß nicht wieso mein Herz trotzdem wie verrückt gekloppft, meine Finger wie bescheuert gezittert haben. Ich dachte er finde sicherlich bald ne nette Freundin und wird mich nicht mehr kontaktieren, aber das tat er nicht...immer wieder schrieb er mich an, beklagt sich wieso ich einen Sommer lang nie bei ihm melde.. wieso ich doch nie nach ihm Frage... so blöde Fragen. Und heute das... ich weiß auch nicht. Die Bilder, die ich im Kopf habe, jedes Mal wenn ich in Gedanken versinke sind auch Beweise dafür, dass ich ihn wahrscheinlich nie ganz hinter mich bringen kann. Eigentlich habe ich das schon gemerkt, als ich ihn vor kurzem wieder im Traum begegnete, er wollte mich zurück haben und ich habe ihn angeschrieben und doch im Innern der Herzen habe ich mich gefreut. Am nächsten Morgen habe ich mich geärgert, und war gleichzeitig enttäuscht, dass es nur ein Traum war.. ich habe gehofft solche Träume nie wieder zu träumen, und doch kam er wieder. Wisst ihr dass Träume innere Wünsche widerspiegeln? Wenn der Wunsch in Erfüllung geht, verschwinden die Träume. Das habe ich schon mal erlebt...
Ich weiß zwar nicht, was passiert, wenn ich eine neue Liebe finde, aber bis dahin, kann ich nur sagen, das was ich mir damals vor genommen habe, ist wirklich nicht einfach.

Der Mensch ist schon komisch... die Gefühle der Liebe, ist wirklich nicht etwas, was man unterschätzen sollte. Man kann sie nicht einfassen, man kann sie nicht riechen und doch ist sie da, stärker als alles andere. Wie die Romanen schön schreiben, sind nie rein erfundene Märchengeschichten.

I will wait for you until 35

2009-02-01T03:26:13Z

I said that I fell in love with BL novels. Recently I even started to listen to BL radio records. They are really well made. A week ago I have listened to one, and read the story to it. After reading it I decided to translate it. I want to share it with everyone of you.
It has been forever since I have translated anything. I have posted it in many different BL communities. I hope this story will encourage more people supporting BL.

Title: I will wait for you until 35
Genre: BL
Author: Nakang
Translation: kotorichan
Genre: true story
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The memory of a Chinese BL novel writer about his break up with his boyfriend, shortly one year before his suicide.
Comments: Tears, heartbreak 100%! Do not read, if you cannot stand really sad stories.
I am sorry if my translation skill is not that good.

Ailing Zhang once said: “To live, to die, to say good bye--these are all big matters, but they don’t rest in our hands. Compared to the power of the greater world, we humans are so small, so small. But we still want to say, ‘I always want to be with you. For a lifetime, we will not leave each other.’ As if we could take control of our fate.”

Some time ago, when we visited a furniture department, we found a brown sofa: broad, comfortable; it could almost bury half of a person inside of it. It cost around 4000 Yuan. I told him, “I will buy this for you, as wedding present.” He looked at me quizzically and said, “What are you talking about…?” and went away to curiously look at another table.

He acted so obvious; even I could see it. It was an unnecessary act, but besides this, he probably had nothing else to do, nothing else to say. I looked at his back and smiled slightly.

Actually, he did not know that I was not acting like an angry child or saying things to hurt him. I really just wanted to buy something for him.

When we returned home, the suitcase lay open on the floor in the living room. He continued to pack his things. I pretended not to see it. What belonged to him, what belonged to me, I thought he would know all that.

On the day he moved out of our apartment, many of our colleagues came to help. I sat on the couch in the living room, looking at all these people eagerly moving things around. A couple of times, people asked me to help, but I pretended as though I could not hear them. I tried to keep a good mood, but my face still ended up looking quite bad.

When everything was taken down, he needed to go tidy up his new place. Some of our colleagues asked him to go out. At the end, there was still no chance for us to talk by ourselves.

I sat on my couch, listening carefully to what was happening downstairs. I heard his voice, heard how the engine started. I could not hold back and went out to the balcony to looked down at the car, slowly moving away. I looked toward it when it drove onto the road, looked toward it when it became hidden behind other buildings, looked toward it when it finally disappeared entirely.

I began to pick up the papers and other rubbish on the floor. Then I also put all the dirty clothes into the washbasin, and I even cleaned all the windows.

I think I just had to find something to do.

From 1999 until 2006, I had loved this person for seven years, as if he had become a part of my own body, so much a part that was needless to mention its presence there. Sometimes, I even could not feel it. But after I had it cut off, I did not want to let it go. I wanted to cry. It hurt.

He asked me if I would once choose another person. This was such a deep question, I could only make a laughing matter out of it. “Perhaps,” I said, “there might be a day when I’ll love someone else, leave everything behind me, and follow him to the end of the world.”

He started laughing. “I know what type you like: mature and serious. Definitely someone who would appear to be like a strong pillar in front of you.”

“Not only that! If there is love, I cannot do anything about it. If there is no love, however, he should not only be mature and look handsome, he’d need to have a lot of money to be able to get me!” I laughed like a stupid child.

I have thought about this question many times as well. I do not know what kind of person I might love later, but wherever my mind stays, in the end, it still rests on him. His face appears again and again in my mind, and I am just not able to think of anyone else. It just has to be him. Sometimes, this is really despairing.

In his mind, he had never accepted his homosexual self. Sometimes, I think, if it hadn’t been me, he might have fallen in love with a girl. He had never put the word “love” in his mouth. Even though we lived together, even though we often made love, he had never said it. It seemed as if once the words were said, he would have to accept his true self. I never said it to him either, only once or twice in letters. I imagined the day we’d break up, just like the scenes one often sees on TV, with the two main characters left alone among the scenery. At that time, I would say those three words. In reality, there were many other things I wanted to tell him besides those three words: “If one day, you cannot continue living your life, you can always come back to me. I will wait for you.” I wanted to plant a seed into his heart, to make him feel bad, so that he would always remember my good side. I wanted him to know that there was always a backdoor that would stay opened for him. I would wait for the chance when the seed would bloom and I could go harvesting. But I also wanted to tell him: “Since you decided on marriage, don’t think about the past anymore. From now on, just live your life happily.” Going with the mainstream would make life easier. This was definitely also a way to find happiness. One should not forget that there was still another woman involved. She was rather the most innocent person.

I shifted between these two thoughts, not knowing how to decide.

In the end, I still sent him the selfish message: “I will wait for you until thirty-five. At that time, if you still cannot come back, I will look for someone else.”

I am not innocent, but I am not guilty either.

I just love someone.

With another half month until his marriage, we had not met again since he moved out of the apartment, and neither had he replied to my message. I was wondering what he thought after reading that message. Just when I thought he might not have received it, he wrote an e-mail to me. He said that he missed me, that he liked me. He asked me not to blame him. Considering his horrible skills at writing, this might have been the best letter he had ever written in his life. I read his letter again and again with hundreds of feelings crossing in my heart. Why tell me all this after everything has already been decided…? Why is this person telling me that he likes me but still making me feel such a pain…?

When we first started to date each other, I already knew that he was traditionally rooted. I knew that one day he would get married. He would not force himself to fight against social, moral and commonplace rules. Therefore, we never spoke about the future. There were a lot of things that did not have to be clarified. From the beginning, some things were already decided. If there had not been an outward glance, we might have been able to walk our way silently. But these things could not be avoided. I do not blame him, really.

Recently, I have been thinking, maybe I should just leave this city. Until now, he has been here with me. But now, he has left me, and I should leave too. If I stay here, I always have to think of him being close to me, with his wife and, maybe later, a child at his side. No one in the world would wish him happiness as strongly as I would. But every time I think that I will have nothing to do with this happiness, a strong sadness hits me.

On the wedding present, I will write down my favorite sentence wishing them happiness and blessings for the rest of their lives. I, myself, will never need these words anymore.

The only good news to come about was that one of my good friends from the far north would be visiting me. During our time at the university, he was the only one among all our friends who knew about us. He said he hadn’t come home for a long time, so he wanted me to keep him company for a couple days. He said, “We will not go to his wedding.”

In my heart, I felt a little bit relieved. On one hand, I felt I should not miss his wedding, but on the other hand, I did not want to be the only one standing there with no thoughts of blessing this new couple. Putting a smile on my face and saying congratulations would be the cruelest things to ask of me.

Someone once said that when your heart suffers up to the most unbearable degree, the wound might heal faster. But I did not want to risk it. I did not know if I would be able to endure that suffocating pain.

My friend did not visit any of his other friends. He just took me with him, strolling around the city. On that day, we came home after shopping. I felt really tired, so I lay on the sofa with my eyes closed, trying to relax myself. After he left, my ability to sleep had gone to the worst. Even when I was really tired, I always stayed half awake, half asleep. Every little noise made me think of him, of the past, and the whole person wakes up immediately--thinking about this, thinking about that, making it impossible to fall asleep again, carrying on until the next morning.

A long time ago, I heard a story about a widow. Every night, she would throw out a handful of coins and search for each one of them. She searched below the bed, in the corner, behind the cupboard. When she found them all, it would already be almost morning. She knew that she did this because she was lonely, but there was nothing that could be done about it. When I think about this story now, I just feel really sad.

The person I am right now feels almost the same way as this widow did. I’m not able to fall asleep; I just stare into nothing. I’m not sad, but I just don’t know what to do in the meantime. He has left nothing but loneliness for me. Thinking about having this kind of a life for years and years, I start to get frightened. I become afraid that I won’t be able to hang on until thirty-five.

On these nights, I remember the year when we were still freshmen, sleeping in the same dorm room. Those days, we were still so unclear but so excited about our relationship. On one night, I suddenly cried out his name two times in my dream and woke up. When I heard him softly mumble, “Yes…?” I knew that he was there and felt both at ease and safe at the same time. I turned myself around and fell asleep again.

My friend asked me how I felt. That was the first time we confronted the subject. My friend is completely straight, so it wasn’t possible for him to understand exactly what I felt. But there was just no one else I could talk to besides him. When I heard his soft and consoling voice, I suddenly began to cry. The whole time, I had tried to suppress my sadness and pain, wearing a mask as if everything was completely fine, as if it was nothing. My whole mood had been so grey that I even got used it. I had already lost the ability to cry out loud. But the tears kept running out of my eyes, choking me, making it hard to breathe.

“It hurts so much…”

My friend could not answer. Even good friends have limited ability when it comes to fixing things between two people. When I told my friend that I wanted to wait for him until thirty-five, my friend strongly objected, saying that it wasn’t a realistic thought at all. However, feelings are not realistic things either. I did not fall in love with this person because he is handsome, or because he is rich. He is neither handsome nor is he rich. He is frowzy, and he always waited until the last minute to take care of things. He is stupid and unable to improve his English. Sometimes, he is slimy too. But I just love him. I do not know where they come from, these feelings without conditions.

“Nankang, Nankang, grow up, soon,” people told me. Like many people, I can grow up. One possibility is to find a nice person and live on. I might not like this person, but after a long time, there might emerge some feelings of being in a family. Another possibility is to break up early and keep searching for someone else. A third possibility is the most realistic one: kissing and hugging in the nights and turning into complete strangers in the mornings.

I certainly can do all these. I am just afraid that all these people won’t replace this one person. Since they are not him, there will be only empty loneliness after the waking-ups. Most of the time, it isn’t that I don’t want to wait, but I just have to wait…knowing that a person that I love this much will not appear a second time in my life.

Look at all these people in the street, making their way in a hurry. When two of them meet, dry glances pass in between their eyes. Not a single person can see the story behind the other person. No one knows, in the other’s heart, what kind of a person is living there.

People say time is the greatest thing. It can erase everything, either happiness or sadness. In the end, nothing will be left behind. The only thing I can do is go on. Many years later, perhaps, then, my heart will beat for someone else, or perhaps I will still be waiting, having forgotten the reason for my existence, or perhaps he will have come back to me.

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Background:

The author’s name is Nakang, a Chinese bl roman writer. “I will wait for you until 35” is the memory of his real life experience. In March 2008, he threw himself into the river, two years after breaking up with his boyfriend. His body flowed 15 days in the cold water when they finally found him. At that time he was only 28. He could not keep his promise to wait until 35, leaving his parents and his sisters speechless behind. They did not know that why he died or that he was homosexual. It was proven that he suffered from depression before he died. After he died, his readers wrote tons and tons of messages into the forum not believing what has happened. Many were just sad, some were angry; others were just saying he was stupid. His short story “I will wait for you until 35” has been published on to many forum and homepages, and there are two radio versions of it.

It doesn’t not matter how many time listen to this, I always have tears in my eyes. The first time when I heard about his story I cried so heavily that I almost could not go to work the next days as I had such puffy eyes. This is one of the saddest and touching stories I have read and listened to. Therefore I want to share his story his story with you all. I hope Nakang's words will stay among us forever.

My message for Nankang:

I have read and seen tons and tons of BL love stories now, funny, romantic, sad... I like them because they describe beautiful feelings that can make one’s heart beating flattering, aching... But still not a single one has touched my heart as much as yours. Maybe because this is for real, this did happen... and it happened to a normal, ordinary person, who did nothing wrong but love another person. One might say this might be just stupid, why throwing away your young life just for someone who left you... but as for you, you just could not imagine a life without him. In our days, loving a person in this way is vanishing... sexual needs, money, status and social reorganization have often exceeded a thing that is called love. You, however, have once again confirmed to us that there is true love in this world, loving just one person with all your heart and soul, a whole life. Even though this love cannot overbear social pressure, time and place and therefore it had to end in vain - leaving sadness and tears behind.
Many, uncountable stories write about perfect love that remain... 100 years, 1000 years and on and on. But weren’t those are just fictions? I was always wondering where this kind of love is left nowadays... But you have showed me that this love does exist, outstanding over your own life and everything else. You might have been a coward, dumb and irresponsible, but you gave us new hope of trusting love again. Because now we know that there are people in the world who can share love just like the way you did.

It is sad that your death took you away from our world. Your words and all the memory they carry, however, will last among us forever- giving more and more people the courage to love.

- Wishing you happiness in another world, in another life. Rest in peace, Nankang

Original Chinese text

Original Chinese record

Original Chinese radio recordy heart...

Happy Chinese New Year

2009-01-25T18:47:43Z

Hello everyone!!!!

Happy Chinese new year!!! It's the year of the buffalo, it stands for dilligence, intelligence and patience. I hope everyone will have a great Year 2009 fortune, happiness and love.

kotorichan @ 2009-01-18T07:04:00

2009-01-18T06:14:31Z

Hey!!

I have been now in USA now for almost two weeks now. I am doing good and finally I have time to enjoy some free time at home. I know I need to tell a little about my stay here, I promise I will do it next time... but there is just something that I have to show all the artist, yaoi lover, and fanfic lover among you.. I have found a new love...

I have started to read fanfics.. and the second kanji Zhiyi the cut there is my favourite character in this great new roman, which did not end.. and the first Kanjis Heise Jinyao (black poison) is the artist who actually drew this character into a beautiful CG. Just want to show you.. what it means to be a great artist! >/////< The writer is great, the person who draws also... everything just fits together perfectly. I have put some other ones in the cut. Heise Jinyao is already one the most famost ones in this field in China.. You just can only fall in love with her works... *-*
Have fun with them! ^^

little teaser...

p.s. just skip the cut, if you are not favor of Yaoi. ^^;

My favourite character, Zhiyi.

Some other works from this person, most of them are creations for fanfics... great to imagine!!

kotorichan @ 2009-01-04T20:18:00

2009-01-04T19:24:40Z

In about 6 hours I am going to leave for my train towards Frankfurt Airport and leave for Pennsylvania. I am quite nervous I have to say... not only that I am going be gone for more than half a year but also that I do not know what kind of place is waiting for me.
I am going to miss my mom a lot I think, as I have spent my best two weeks with my mom here! We have had a lot of fun... I think now I finally know what it means to be loved so much by your mom. I will see her in seven months in Shanghai again, hopefully. In the next three months I hope everything is going to be just fine (especially the thing with driving...), I will learn a lot about doing business in US (even at a German company) and that I am going to meet nice people and make friends over there! Wish me luck!!

I am coming USA! ^^V